THEORY CORNER FOR MEN (SORRY GIRLS, MEN ONLY!)

Welcome to "THEORYBOY" MAGAZINE!

TODAY'S GUEST: THE EDITOR AND PUBLISHER OF THEORYBOY: UNCLE EDDIE!

THE INTERVIEW:

Most men would believe they'd died and gone to heaven. Theory Mansion is not to be believed.  Imagine a never-ending party in a house with a 24 hour kitchen and an indoor heated pool replete with grottoes.  At the hub of all this is the rugged pioneer of internet men's magazines, Theoryboy founder, Uncle Eddie. 

When he's not downstairs yucking it up with naked women, or partying with the greatest wits of his time, he can usually be found upstairs, working on the latest installment of the Theoryboy Philosophy. When we found him he was in his robe and pajamas, smoking away on his cigarette holder, and typing on his old Smith-Corona.

THEORYBOY: "Hi Mr. Uncle Eddie! Do you mind if I come in?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "No, have a seat! I'll be with you in a sec!"

UNCLE EDDIE (TYPING FEVERISHLY): "OK you little Sucker! How 'bout this...and that...and...this...



UNCLE EDDIE: "...DONE! Oh, and just call me plain old Uncle Eddie. We don't stand on formality around here. Want a Pepsi?"

THEORYBOY (SITTING): "No thanks, but I'm curious to know what you were working on."

UNCLE EDDIE: "Well, It's the galley proofs for the next issue of Theoryboy. This is our lead story, real classy stuff! I just wrote a blurb for it. Here, read it and see what you think!"

THEORYBOY (READING): "Footsteps outside the door. Boards creaking. A hand fumbling at the door. The door swinging open. A shaft of moonlight penetrating the room and falling upon the sleepwalking figure of a woman with loathsome black gloves.  Beulah wanted to scream, but in her nudity she was helpless to act. Yes, Beulah was going to learn something tonight, something about hungry black gloves, something about naked flesh, and maybe...just maybe...about something more elusive...HERSELF!"

THEORYBOY (CONT): " 'Herself?'  Boy, that's heavy.  Very psychological!"

UNCLE EDDIE:  "Yeah, we figure it's the psychology that gives our stories the edge."

THEORYBOY: "And what are those pictures on the bed over there?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Those are candidates for the centerfold! Real nice nerd girls, all of them! The winner will get a scholarship to study at the Uncle Eddie Institute for Advanced Physical Research. Here, take a look. Which do you like best?" 

THEORYBOY: "Wow! A really nice girl!"


THEORYBOY: "Yikes!!! That's a...(Gulp!)... very... nice... girl...too."

THEORYBOY: "And this one's...um...interesting...yes, very interesting! I hate to say it, but I don't think I can pick a favorite. They're all pretty appealing!"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Yeah, it's hard isn't it?"



THEORYBOY: "What's this (above)?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Oh, that's the 'What Kind of Man Reads Theoryboy?' page. That's there for the advertisers, but the girls got kind of surly that day."

SUPERGURL VS. THE EVIL UNCLE EDDIE

THE EVIL UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Boy this house is a mess! Greasy pizza boxes, beer cans...but I have no time to clean. I gotta finish this book on hypnotism! Wait a minute...somebody's at the door."

GLADIOLA: "Hi, Evil Uncle Eddie! I just happened to be passing, but if you're busy..."

EVIL UNCLE EDDIE: "No, no! I'm not busy at all, but Gladiola....you look tired. VERY tired. As a matter of fact (HE GESTURES), your eyelids are growing heeeeavy. VEEEERY HEAVY."

GLADIOLA ( SLEEPY MONOTONE): "Yes, heavy. Very heavy.

UNCLE EDDIE: "Here, take this baseball bat, and make those eyelids close."

BONK! BONK! BONK!

GLDIOLA (MONOTONE ): "Make them close. Make them close."

CLUNK!!! SHE FALLS ON THE FLOOR.

EVIL UNCLE EDDIE: "Well whaddaya know? That hypnotism stuff really works! Hmmmm...I think I just figured out how to get the house cleaned up. Get up, Gladiola! We gotta find you a maid's costume!"

LATER: INT. EVIL UNCLE EDDIE'S HOUSE: SUPERGURL LETS HERSELF IN:

SUPERGURL: "Youhoooo! Anybody home? Supergurl here! We need to talk, Buster! I've heard some things about you!!!!!

SUPERGURL: "Huh? What's that? It looks like one of those stupid hypnosis machines."

SUPERGURL: "Haw! You can't hypnotise someone from Krypton. Everybody knows that!"

SUPERGIRL: "That's funny...I have an overwhelming urge...to....to CLEAN!!!!!"

WHOMP!!! SHE FALLS ON THE FLOOR!

EVIL UNCLE EDDIE: "Haw!!! Even Supergurl can't resist the power of hypnotism!!!!"

ON SUPERGURL IN A MAID COSTUME, HAPPILY CLEANING THE HOUSE.

SUPERGURL: (Hums "Tip Toe Through the Tulips").

EVIL UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Everybody thinks the danger that's coming in the future is from robots. Haw! That's not even close!!!!"

EVIL UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "No, the real danger is from zombie maids hypnotised by ME!!! There's no defence against them! They'll take over every household that lets them in...and they all will let them in!"

EVIL UNCLE EDDIE (VO): "Soon they'll be an army capable of taking over the world!!!!"

And when they do, THEORY CORNER will be the only blog allowed on the internet.!!! No more of those stupid cat videos! No more Faceybook!!!! BWA Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!  BWA  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!


TO BE CONTINUED.....

[Below, a teaser from the next episode...]

.

EVIL UNCLE EDDIE: "So you see, Supergurl, that was all a fabrication made up by people who are jealous of me.  I'm just a gentle soul who would never dream of...excuse me, a minute...Gladiola, would you come here a moment? Would you take care of that fly on Supergurl's head?

GLADIOLA (SLEEPY MONOTONE): "Fly...Supergurl...head..."

THEORY CORNER FOR WOMEN (NO MEN ALLOWED)

Imagine my excitement when the editor of Theory Corner for Women burst into my office and informed me that if I hurried I might just be able to get an interview with the world-famous cartoonist and stud muffin, Uncle Eddie, at his fabulous Theory Mansion. I didn't need to be told twice!

It was night by the time I arrived at the house. Uncle Eddie's social secretary led me to the sprawling grounds in back, to a large outdoor hot tub. A maid was lighting up bits of paper in a nearby outdoor fireplace. When it flared up, she threw in kindling wood, then placed a few logs on top. Uncle Eddie was sitting in the in water, surrounded by candles, thoughtfully looking up at the stars.

One glance at Uncle Eddie and I almost forgot that I was a working girl. When he spoke to the maid his speech was odd, a little English or maybe mixed from foreign travel. He had a solid look, with gentle, squinty eyes, and sensuous buck teeth. His hair, almost grey, seemed impossible to keep down. After introductions were made, and Uncle Eddie graciously posed for a picture (above), the interview began.

TCFW: "Do you feel like living, Uncle Eddie?"

Uncle Eddie: "I always feel like living, as you call it. death is just death -- dying off -- disinterest in everything -- decay. And I am not decaying, I hope.

TCFW: "Are you a happy man?"

Uncle Eddie: "What does happiness mean to you? I mean, how do you equate it? For me it's all love, no matter what else you call it. Some people call it power, To me it's very simple -- love, love, love..."

TCFW: "But what kind of love? Body love, spiritual love?"

Uncle Eddie: "The whole works! No matter how it begins, it must end with the whole works -- that's how I look at it."

TCFW: "A woman needs that too...'

Uncle Eddie: "A woman needs many things -- but mostly affection, constant affection."

TCFW: "You make it sound simple."

Uncle Eddie: "I think we're talking too much about it, talking about something that needs very little speech."

The outdoor fireplace was sparking. A twig sprang out and fell on the ground between us.

Uncle Eddie: "This is the way the world will end. Not with a whimper, but with fire -- a big fire."

SOME UNCLE EDDIE PHOTOS

I'm kinda busy tonight so I'll have to put up Mike's pictures tomorrow. I think you'll find it worth the wait. Meanwhile here's some Uncle Eddie photos taken in the backyard of my first house. John needed some pictures so he could try to sell me to TV as a cartoon show host.