PROPER ATTIRE FOR THE LADIES AUXILIARY

After posting the Muskrat piece it occurred to me that I goofed up the part describing proper Ladies Auxiliary attire. I offer my humble apology. I should have realized that no real lady wants to wear a moth-eaten, old coonskin cap. Ladies of good upbringing and refinement prefer traditional straw hats with flowers.

A net on the hat is a nice touch.

Fur pieces and pearls are welcome additions if you happen to have them. Phony fur is OK, even preferable, since nobody wants to think of an animal actually dying for this.

Here's some hats (above and below) that work okay. All the women in my house left for a vacation back East, so I'm stuck with modelling them myself.

Aaaah, the traditional lone sunflower (above) on a straw hat.

Here's a hat that's a bit racy, but still okay. Maybe it belonged to a wicked city woman, or a widow who was looking for a second husband.

Easter baskets (above) make great hats.

More acceptable hats (above): pretty "out there," but still good for The Ladies Auxiliary.

Unacceptable hats: too minimal, too tasteful and too understated. They don't give testimony to the pride a woman feels for being a member of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary.

Also unacceptable: too avant garde. The Ladies Auxiliary is already cutting edge. Farther than the edge is...chaos...what can I say?

So what is the preferred attire for a member of The Royal Order of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary? It's what club women wore in the golden age of women's clubs, circa 1900 - 1960. Dressing this way doesn't limit Auxiliary women's full participation in Muskrat discussions and activities.

I thought you might find it interesting to see what club women were like in 1953. Here's a commercial showing several club women assembled for a washing machine demonstration. The range of women in the room is amazing. At one end is Betty Furness, who comes off as a super intelligent star ship captain, and at the other is a woman who sounds just like Aunt Bea. The commercial only lasts for a minute or two...just skip the rest.

MEETING OF THE ROYAL ORDER OF THE MUSKRAT

INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM: Members of The Royal Order take their seats.

The chairman, called The Grand, Exalted, Imperial Muskrat with Oak Leaf Clusters, pounds the gavel.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this meeting of the Royal Order of the Muskrat is called to order!"

GRAND MUSKRAT: "All rise for the Muskrat salute! 'Hail, Noble Muskrat! We, thy brothers and sisters, salute thee!' "

"Snork! Snork, Snork!"


"Chortle! Chortle! Chortle!"

"WOOOO! WOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"(Ahem!) You may be seated! Now let's see....the first item on the agenda is..."

"...the first item is an expression of thanks to The Ladies Auxiliary for the fine pies they've baked for us tonight! I think a round of applause is in order."

On the Ladies Auxiliary.

(SFX) Applause.

MOOSE LADIES: "Excuse us. We're the Ladies Auxiliary for the Fraternal Order of the Moose. Do you know which room they're meeting in? (THEN) Gee it's cold in here."

"Um...Fraternal Order of the Moose?...they're...um..uh...um, next door, across the hall."

MOOSE LADIES: "*Thank-yoooouuu*!"

The ladies exit.

"The Chair recognizes Brother Norton!"

BROTHER NORTON: I just want to say that we should send a delegation to those women to apologize for for exposing their delicate skin to the rigors of our cruel, masculine air conditioning. It's only right."

"You're right, Brother Norton. Thank you for proving that chivalry is not dead. I say we give them our pies as a token of our sorrow."

!!!!!!!!!!!

"On second thought, HALF the pies should be adequate compensation."

"Huh!?"


SERGEANT AT ARMS: "Mr. Chairman, one of the ladies bumped her leg on the way out."

The chairman pounds the gavel.

CHAIRMAN: "ALL the pies! That and our entire treasury!!!"

"Um... don't worry about the details. I can deliver the pies myself."

"It says here that the next item on the agenda is a demonstration for new members of The Muskrat Handshake. As this sacred handshake is for the eyes of members only, I request that the Sergeant of Arms lock the doors."

"When two Muskrats meet on the street an identifying handshake is in order. The member standing most Northward is always the initiating greeter. The greeter proudly thrusts his arm out horizontally, signifying the with his assertive attitude, the noble bearing of the North American muskrat."

"The out-thrust arm is met by the equally assertive arm of the member being greeted. The two arms align at the forearm."

"A slide is initiated, commemorating the movement of the glaciers thousands of years ago that gave rise to the woodland habitat of the modern muskrat. At the end of the slide the thumbs are engaged and the hands pivot to a new position."

"Watch closely. What happens next is full of meaning and tradition."

"The fingers stiffen then are quickly and decisively withdrawn, reminding us of the regrettable intolerance showed to muskrats by hunters and hound dogs."

"A vigorous shake of the hand symbolizes the hardships suffered by muskrats on their yearly migrations."

"And finally, the diddled-fingers-hand-to-nose represents the exalted triumph of the muskrat who, though he eats the babies of other animals, always chitters a cheerful 'Thank you!' for the meal."

"Well, I think that just about wraps it up. Any more new business? Any

old business? No?"

SFX: (raps gavel on the podium)

"...Then I declare this meeting adjourned!"



"Be well, my brothers and sisters!"

"Pssst! Sergeant at Arms! I'll deliver those pies now!"

NOTE TO READERS: The Royal Order of the Muskrat is REAL! It really meets every month or two here online at Uncle Eddie's Theory Corner. We discuss animation and cartooning, and most other subjects except politics. Members receive a discount at the Theory Corner Store, which I'll try to put up soon.

Membership is free but to be a member you must participate in at least one meeting. If you're a guy and you'd like to participate, then post a picture of yourself on your own site wearing a coonskin cap (no substitutes unless you can tinker something together that really looks like a coonskin hat), dark jacket, fringed epaulets, white shirt and a tie, and send me a link to the picture, which I'll post. Homemade versions of the epaulets are OK. (I made my own). You may post a question or comment below the picture and I'll print them when the next meeting comes up.

Girls may join the Royal Order of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary. All the above membership information applies, except the jacket and coonskin cap are unnecessary. Girls attire consists of what proper clubwomen wore in the golden age of womens clubs, 1900-1960: a straw hat with flowers, old-style dress, and (optional) white gloves or pearls. Skill at making pies is helpful, but not necessary.

There's no pressure to be a member. Reader response at the meetings is entirely unnecessary and, frankly, I'll be amazed if anyone actually does it. It's only for people who feel the need to participate.

P.P.S.: Kern, Hunsecker, Lester, Ardy: I am SOOOOO sorry that I accidentally deleted your comments from the previous post! I deserve death, I know!

HOW TO FIND THE MATE WHO'S MEANT FOR YOU

Believe it or not, I'm always happy to look at wallet photos of people's families, especially if the person showing them to me is someone I find appealing. That's because looking so often reveals couples who look genuinely happy in each other's company. That's no small thing. I find pictures like that to be bracing, and seeing them makes me feel good for hours after.

Some people manage to find that one in a million person who's exactly right for them. Take the people in the picture above. You can tell the guy loves to tell his wife jokes, and you can tell that she loves to listen to them. Isn't that interesting? Man, someone pretty with breasts and a charming personality to laugh at your jokes...that's Heaven on Earth. What more could you ask for?

The amazing thing is that nice people like this manage to find each other. What are the odds? I mean the person who's right for you could be selling cigarettes in Khazakistan. How on Earth would you ever find that person? I have an answer, but I warn you...it's not logical.

My utterly unprovable belief is that that a supernatural power finds that person for you, and makes sure that you collide with each other on the street. It's as simple as that. If the cigarette seller in Khazakistan really, really is the right person for you, then a supernatural force will arrange for that person to be in your town, on your street, and bump into you. Bam! There go the groceries all over the sidewalk! All you have to do is not be a loser and ignore the gift that's just been given to you.

One of the cool things about finding the right person is that you'll have cool children, and when they grow up they'll also have cool children, so you'll have a little dynasty of coolness going for a couple of generations. Somewhere down the line your progeny will turn into serial killers who can never find their keys for all the heroin needles that are lying all over the house, but there's not much you can do about that, so why worry?

Above, an example of cool children. I could look at pictures like this all day.

Many thanks to CAM Thompson who told me about the site where I found these pictures, a blog called "Sexy People." Jorge Garrido turned me on to something else, which I direct you to below....

....a caricature of me by Aaron Philby! I look like I'm 95 years old here, but the age gives me...gravitas. Thanks, Aaron!

http://aaronphilby.blogspot.com/2008/08/caricature-of-eddie-fitzgerald.html