Saturday, October 24, 2009


INT. HOTEL BANQUET ROOM: Members of The Royal Order take their seats.

The chairman, called The Grand, Exalted, Imperial Muskrat with Oak Leaf Clusters, pounds the gavel.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this meeting of the Royal Order of the Muskrat is called to order!"

GRAND MUSKRAT: "All rise for the Muskrat salute! 'Hail, Noble Muskrat! We, thy brothers and sisters, salute thee!' "

"Snork! Snork, Snork!"

"Chortle! Chortle! Chortle!"


"(Ahem!) You may be seated! Now let's see....the first item on the agenda is..."

"...the first item is an expression of thanks to The Ladies Auxiliary for the fine pies they've baked for us tonight! I think a round of applause is in order."

On the Ladies Auxiliary.

(SFX) Applause.

MOOSE LADIES: "Excuse us. We're the Ladies Auxiliary for the Fraternal Order of the Moose. Do you know which room they're meeting in? (THEN) Gee it's cold in here."

"Um...Fraternal Order of the Moose?...they', next door, across the hall."

MOOSE LADIES: "*Thank-yoooouuu*!"

The ladies exit.

"The Chair recognizes Brother Norton!"

BROTHER NORTON: I just want to say that we should send a delegation to those women to apologize for for exposing their delicate skin to the rigors of our cruel, masculine air conditioning. It's only right."

"You're right, Brother Norton. Thank you for proving that chivalry is not dead. I say we give them our pies as a token of our sorrow."


"On second thought, HALF the pies should be adequate compensation."


SERGEANT AT ARMS: "Mr. Chairman, one of the ladies bumped her leg on the way out."

The chairman pounds the gavel.

CHAIRMAN: "ALL the pies! That and our entire treasury!!!"

"Um... don't worry about the details. I can deliver the pies myself."

"It says here that the next item on the agenda is a demonstration for new members of The Muskrat Handshake. As this sacred handshake is for the eyes of members only, I request that the Sergeant of Arms lock the doors."

"When two Muskrats meet on the street an identifying handshake is in order. The member standing most Northward is always the initiating greeter. The greeter proudly thrusts his arm out horizontally, signifying the with his assertive attitude, the noble bearing of the North American muskrat."

"The out-thrust arm is met by the equally assertive arm of the member being greeted. The two arms align at the forearm."

"A slide is initiated, commemorating the movement of the glaciers thousands of years ago that gave rise to the woodland habitat of the modern muskrat. At the end of the slide the thumbs are engaged and the hands pivot to a new position."

"Watch closely. What happens next is full of meaning and tradition."

"The fingers stiffen then are quickly and decisively withdrawn, reminding us of the regrettable intolerance showed to muskrats by hunters and hound dogs."

"A vigorous shake of the hand symbolizes the hardships suffered by muskrats on their yearly migrations."

"And finally, the diddled-fingers-hand-to-nose represents the exalted triumph of the muskrat who, though he eats the babies of other animals, always chitters a cheerful 'Thank you!' for the meal."

"Well, I think that just about wraps it up. Any more new business? Any
old business? No?"

SFX: (raps gavel on the podium)

"...Then I declare this meeting adjourned!"

"Be well, my brothers and sisters!"

"Pssst! Sergeant at Arms! I'll deliver those pies now!"

NOTE TO READERS: The Royal Order of the Muskrat is REAL! It really meets every month or two here online at Uncle Eddie's Theory Corner. We discuss animation and cartooning, and most other subjects except politics. Members receive a discount at the Theory Corner Store, which I'll try to put up soon.

Membership is free but to be a member you must participate in at least one meeting. If you're a guy and you'd like to participate, then post a picture of yourself on your own site wearing a coonskin cap (no substitutes unless you can tinker something together that really looks like a coonskin hat), dark jacket, fringed epaulets, white shirt and a tie, and send me a link to the picture, which I'll post. Homemade versions of the epaulets are OK. (I made my own). You may post a question or comment below the picture and I'll print them when the next meeting comes up.

Girls may join the Royal Order of the Muskrat Ladies Auxiliary. All the above membership information applies, except the jacket and coonskin cap are unnecessary. Girls attire consists of what proper clubwomen wore in the golden age of womens clubs, 1900-1960: a straw hat with flowers, old-style dress, and (optional) white gloves or pearls. Skill at making pies is helpful, but not necessary.

There's no pressure to be a member. Reader response at the meetings is entirely unnecessary and, frankly, I'll be amazed if anyone actually does it. It's only for people who feel the need to participate.

P.P.S.: Kern, Hunsecker, Lester, Ardy: I am SOOOOO sorry that I accidentally deleted your comments from the previous post! I deserve death, I know!


Ardy said...

Apology accepted.

Now, excuse me while I go clean out my attic to find my fringed epaulets.

Anonymous said...

"If you're a guy and you'd like to participate, then post a picture of yourself on your own site wearing a coonskin cap, dark jacket, fringed epaulets, white shirt and a tie."

Fair enough. However, I might have a problem obtaining a coonskin cap, Uncle Eddie. Would it be possible I can wear something like this if I cannot find a coonskin cap?

From an aspiring animator/ cartoonist

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Ardy: Thanks! I made my epaulets out of braided string, cardboard amd duct tape. If you have real fringed epaulets then you'll have a better costume than I have, and i'm The Grand, Exalted, Imperial Muskrat with Oal Leaf Cluster.

Bruce: Sorry, no cigar. It has to be a coonskin hat, or something that looks just like one. Lots of Halloween stores sell coonskin hats.

The way I look at it, it's an investment. There are plenty of uses for a coonskin cap. If nothing else you can use it to keep your head warm in the winter.

Craig said...

I think a viewing of SONS OF THE DESERT starring Laurel & Hardy is a matter of immediate importance for the furthermeant of such an erstwhile and quondam aggregation.

Niki said...

Where do I get a coonskin cap?

Vincent Waller said...

Another great story Uncle Eddie.
Now I must go obtain a raccoon that I will train to sit majestically a top my big square head.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Craig: Sons of the Desert!? You're right! I've gotta see that again! Many thanks!

Niki: Where can you get a coonskin cap? Online or at a Halloween store. Better hurry because the Halloween stores pack up the day after Halloween!

Vincent: You were just kidding I know, but slightly squared-off coonskin caps used to be common. A light squaring gives them structure and perspective.

talkingtj said...

your so funny! i was just reading a book called the myth of happiness, the authors name escapes me, but in it she states that the reason why so many people are so unhappy these days is because we no longer socialise like we did 50,60 years.she sites the influence of lodges like the royal order of the muskrat as being generally helpful in keeping people happy and connected, then i saw this and bust out laughing. point taken.

mike f. said...

I wanna be a member, but I don't have a coonskin cap. Will this do?

mike f. said...

[I think a viewing of SONS OF THE DESERT starring Laurel & Hardy is a matter of immediate importance for the furthermeant of such an erstwhile and quondam aggregation.]

Agreed! The Exhausted Ruler couldn't have said it better...

Anonymous said...

whered you get that "mens club" pic from?

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Talking: true, so true.

Mike: Haw! That'll do fine!

Anon: From an old film, I don't know the name.

Justin said...

I KNOW I have a coonskin cap someplace... I'll post up a picture on my blog soon.

Membership here I come!

Anonymous said...

Do you think it is possible for a man to have a genuine emotional/sexual relationship with a cartoon character Eddie?

I have always been more attracted to characters like Ariel and Cinderalla than "real" women and have used the power of imagination and true emotion to live out GENUINE and REAL relationships with them.

I feel that I live on a sexual plane above the disgusting clanging together of smelly bodies, next to cartoon and anime women the female body is disgusting, covered in blemishes and imperfections. A drawing I have complete control over, she will never leave me or judge me or question me. She will just LOVE me, as Marge loves me, and Sleeping beauty LOVES me and leela LOVES me.

I have trained myself to have lucid dreams and when I am with them in my castle it is so beautiful I could cry

In an emotional sense Hentai and cartoon pornography is more real than IRL porn. When a girl in Hentai cries and it isn't a tentacle/demon rape scene she is crying true tears of joy. Think of how you pictured your first time with a woman you admired from afar or had a longterm platonic friendship with, in hentai you get to witness that joy and live vicariously through it.

Ever fantasize about having sex with your hot homeroom teacher? In most Teacher themed IRL porn you get a milf porn vet who cant act paired with some jackass meathead, there is ZERO emotional connection between these two people who have probably just met. In Hentai you get to see them interact in a classroom setting, the fleeting glances of longing culminated by a scene where the teacher helps the student study at her home and they accidentally kiss and she holds herself and shakes her head no that this is wrong until the character (You) tilts her head upwards and tells her how beautiful she is and we should share this moment and you get to witness them make GENUINE and tender love to each other with REAL orgasms.

In the same way that people praise anime giants like Miyazake for transcending reality and creating a world of magic, hentai creates a sexual world so magical and heightened for me that IRL sex would be something of a letdown. Like chaining myself to platos cave and masturbating to titillating shadows instead of writhing in the land of true ecstacy

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Anon1: I thought you asked about the establishing shot in the banquet room. it occurs to me that you meant the Moose Auxiliary ladies. I got them by googling "mens club." I was hoping to find a retro room full of men in lodge hats, but came up with this picture of girls instead.

Anon2: Holy Mackerel! Well, that'll rank among the most memorable comments I've ever gotten on this blog! You put so much thought and trouble into it...I'm almost ashamed to say that I'm speechless...I don't know what to say! I've simply never seen that thought expressed before.

Wait a minute. On second thought, maybe I do have something to say. i'll try to blog about it after Halloween. Remind me if I forget, OK?

Michael Sporn said...

How'd you say we can get into the "Fraternal Order of the Moose"? I think I might like their meetings. They end up with a lot of pie.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Michael: Since you're a nice guy I wouldn't do you the disservice of referring you to a disreputable lodge like The Fraternal order of the Moose. FOP is our lodge's rival.

Ken Mitchroney said...

I'm ready to go to the annual convention in Hon-a-lulua! Nice work brother Eddie. Meeting Adjourned!

Anonymous said...

I'm gonna try to find a real coonskin cap with the removable tail so I can stick it on my Schwinn.

Amanda H. said...

Hey, Eddie! I was wondering: How do you plan these...hmm, what would you call 'em...photographic essay skits? Do you have them figured out in advance or do you make 'em up as you go?
Because it reminds me of one person I know who did something like that with some Beatles action figures and she made a little skit with pictures she'd taken already.

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