Showing posts with label theory mansion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label theory mansion. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 13, 2017





Most men would believe they'd died and gone to heaven. Theory Mansion is not to be believed.  Imagine a never-ending party in a house with a 24 hour kitchen and an indoor heated pool replete with grottoes.  At the hub of all this is the rugged pioneer of internet men's magazines, Theoryboy founder, Uncle Eddie. 

When he's not downstairs yucking it up with naked women, or partying with the greatest wits of his time, he can usually be found upstairs, working on the latest installment of the Theoryboy Philosophy. When we found him he was in his robe and pajamas, smoking away on his cigarette holder, and typing on his old Smith-Corona.

THEORYBOY: "Hi Mr. Uncle Eddie! Do you mind if I come in?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "No, have a seat! I'll be with you in a sec!"

UNCLE EDDIE (TYPING FEVERISHLY): "OK you little Sucker! How 'bout this...and that...and...this...

UNCLE EDDIE: "...DONE! Oh, and just call me plain old Uncle Eddie. We don't stand on formality around here. Want a Pepsi?"

THEORYBOY (SITTING): "No thanks, but I'm curious to know what you were working on."

UNCLE EDDIE: "Well, It's the galley proofs for the next issue of Theoryboy. This is our lead story, real classy stuff! I just wrote a blurb for it. Here, read it and see what you think!"

THEORYBOY (READING): "Footsteps outside the door. Boards creaking. A hand fumbling at the door. The door swinging open. A shaft of moonlight penetrating the room and falling upon the sleepwalking figure of a woman with loathsome black gloves.  Beulah wanted to scream, but in her nudity she was helpless to act. Yes, Beulah was going to learn something tonight, something about hungry black gloves, something about naked flesh, and maybe...just maybe...about something more elusive...HERSELF!"

THEORYBOY (CONT): " 'Herself?'  Boy, that's heavy.  Very psychological!"

UNCLE EDDIE:  "Yeah, we figure it's the psychology that gives our stories the edge."

THEORYBOY: "And what are those pictures on the bed over there?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Those are candidates for the centerfold! Real nice nerd girls, all of them! The winner will get a scholarship to study at the Uncle Eddie Institute for Advanced Physical Research. Here, take a look. Which do you like best?" 

THEORYBOY: "Wow! A really nice girl!"

THEORYBOY: "Yikes!!! That's a...(Gulp!)... very... nice... girl...too."

THEORYBOY: "And this one', very interesting! I hate to say it, but I don't think I can pick a favorite. They're all pretty appealing!"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Yeah, it's hard isn't it?"

THEORYBOY: "What's this (above)?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Oh, that's the 'What Kind of Man Reads Theoryboy?' page. That's there for the advertisers, but the girls got kind of surly that day."

Tuesday, March 13, 2007


I just got a call from Mike Fontanelli who was very upset that my previous posts made me appear him appear lowbrow. Gee, I feel terrible. I certainly didn't mean to give offence. By way of making up for it I'd like to invite everyone here to a party in honor of Mike. It can be at my house or his house, whichever he prefers.

Directions to my house: park near the wall (above); don't worry about your car, the valet will take care of it.

You'll be met at the gate by my butler Bam Bam who will take you to the house on a scooter.

It's a small house. You won't have trouble finding your way around.

Here's my household staff clowning around with a neighbor. Feel free to ask for anything you want.

Why not take a dip in the pool? When you're finished you'll find helpful staffers ready to dry you off by giving you a group hug in their terry-cloth bikinis.

Maybe Mike will want to hold the party at his place! Directions: hang a right at the Bail Bond place and it's the last trailer on the left. Lock your door securely; you might want to leave a guard dog inside. Try not to step on anything rusty.

Have a seat anywhere. Mike isn't a stickler on formality.

Mike's maid will probably be there. Ask for anything you need. Mike is usually well-stocked with Pez but you might want to bring your own toilet paper.
Well, that's it! It makes me feel good inside that I can do a good deed for a friend!