Tuesday, June 13, 2017





Most men would believe they'd died and gone to heaven. Theory Mansion is not to be believed.  Imagine a never-ending party in a house with a 24 hour kitchen and an indoor heated pool replete with grottoes.  At the hub of all this is the rugged pioneer of internet men's magazines, Theoryboy founder, Uncle Eddie. 

When he's not downstairs yucking it up with naked women, or partying with the greatest wits of his time, he can usually be found upstairs, working on the latest installment of the Theoryboy Philosophy. When we found him he was in his robe and pajamas, smoking away on his cigarette holder, and typing on his old Smith-Corona.

THEORYBOY: "Hi Mr. Uncle Eddie! Do you mind if I come in?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "No, have a seat! I'll be with you in a sec!"

UNCLE EDDIE (TYPING FEVERISHLY): "OK you little Sucker! How 'bout this...and that...and...this...

UNCLE EDDIE: "...DONE! Oh, and just call me plain old Uncle Eddie. We don't stand on formality around here. Want a Pepsi?"

THEORYBOY (SITTING): "No thanks, but I'm curious to know what you were working on."

UNCLE EDDIE: "Well, It's the galley proofs for the next issue of Theoryboy. This is our lead story, real classy stuff! I just wrote a blurb for it. Here, read it and see what you think!"

THEORYBOY (READING): "Footsteps outside the door. Boards creaking. A hand fumbling at the door. The door swinging open. A shaft of moonlight penetrating the room and falling upon the sleepwalking figure of a woman with loathsome black gloves.  Beulah wanted to scream, but in her nudity she was helpless to act. Yes, Beulah was going to learn something tonight, something about hungry black gloves, something about naked flesh, and maybe...just maybe...about something more elusive...HERSELF!"

THEORYBOY (CONT): " 'Herself?'  Boy, that's heavy.  Very psychological!"

UNCLE EDDIE:  "Yeah, we figure it's the psychology that gives our stories the edge."

THEORYBOY: "And what are those pictures on the bed over there?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Those are candidates for the centerfold! Real nice nerd girls, all of them! The winner will get a scholarship to study at the Uncle Eddie Institute for Advanced Physical Research. Here, take a look. Which do you like best?" 

THEORYBOY: "Wow! A really nice girl!"

THEORYBOY: "Yikes!!! That's a...(Gulp!)... very... nice... girl...too."

THEORYBOY: "And this one's...um...interesting...yes, very interesting! I hate to say it, but I don't think I can pick a favorite. They're all pretty appealing!"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Yeah, it's hard isn't it?"

THEORYBOY: "What's this (above)?"

UNCLE EDDIE: "Oh, that's the 'What Kind of Man Reads Theoryboy?' page. That's there for the advertisers, but the girls got kind of surly that day."


Kurdt said...

Beulah is a very funny sounding girl's name. I also like Ursula, Gertrude, and Mertel. Old ladies have lots of funny names. I have a great great something or other named Eljemiah Titsworth! Someday I will change my name to Hooberbloob Fartlesworth just because it will be funny to hear the preacher talk about me at my funeral.

Patrick McMicheal said...

Eddie, you realize buy writing (Sorry Girls, Men Only!), that EVERY FEMALE is going to read this now! That phrase makes it completely irresistible for girls to stay away!

Anonymous said...

Awesome! I hope Theoryboy becomes a regular subject! I think the first girl should be the centerfold.

Maybe you can make some cartoons for it too...huh? Huh?

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Kurdt: Haw!!!!!

Pat: Well, I did Theory Corner for Women several times and guys read that, so I guess I guess the girls are entitled.

Josh: Drawings, yes! The format cries out for it!

pappy d said...

Happy New year, Eddie!

Best media empire ever!

Justin said...

Just what kind of a man DOES read Theoryboy? I know a lot of people who fish and have girls snarl at them!

How 'bout a logo?

Trevor Thompson said...

Men, we need our own lodge.

- trevor.

PJS said...

A Lolita? Might be a bit much!

Anonymous said...

I gotta go with the first girl.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Patrick: I got this girl off a menu, not the site she's associated with, but to be sure she was legal I went to the site and the first thing they said about her was that she was 18. I wouldn't have put it up if I thought she was too young, even though there's no nudity in it.

The site she's on is really sleazy, and the other pictures of this girl have a disturbingly hard edge. The girl looks positively evil from some angles, like some of the people in the old Benson & Hedges print ads. Well, she looks nice and cheery here.

Adam Tavares said...

That last illustration is hilarious. I love the look of disgust on the blonde woman's face. It perfectly captures the repulsion that some women have for dirty, slimy, outdoor recreation.

There is layers to this type of repulsion. The first layer is "Eww this is icky". That's just the surface one. The second one is "What is wrong with people's brains that makes them like this".

That illustration would have been funnier without the woman in the background. She's distracting and her expression is a little off.

Kelly Toon said...

Uuummmm . . . .

Your post inspired me to sketch this VERY SILLY cartoon

Eddie the Playa


Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Kelly: HawHaw! I'm gonna hang that up...er, on second thought, I think I'll give it a nice place in my desk drawer! Thanks!

Trevor: A lodge!? Wow! Thanks for the idea!!! Let me think on that!

Phantom: Holy Cow, you're right! A logo! Let's see now....

Lester Hunt said...

Ah, nerd girls. I married one and never looked back. You know, Eddie, I think as you use the term it just means real girls, as opposed to the polyethylene-molded, Barbie types.

Anonymous said...


tale of nerd love

Anonymous said...


You should try this Eddie, its free and only takes like 10 minutes to make and upload any stupid thing you want

Anonymous said...

you can upload them to your youtube channel instantly too


Anonymous said...

those vids are messed up on purpose

Anonymous said...

I read Theoryboy for the articles.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Lester: Not exactly. A nerd is a physical type. You know it when you see it. Some normal people behave somewhat like nerds, but lack the physical characteristics. Most people define nerd as a set of attitudes and preferences, but I think it's more than that.

Anon: Wow! Thanks a million for the interesting links! I'll try out the program as soon as I iron out some computer bugs that have been giving me trouble!

Keeper said...

I always say that I'm a geek -- not a nerd. A geek is simply a nerd with a social life... Though I don't have much of a social life, but I am engaged to be married, so that tips the scale way over to the "geek" side.

But at 5 foot 10 inches tall and under 120 pounds, buck teeth with an undersized lower jaw, the "physical characteristics" you mention, well, yeah... Got 'em in spades!

And that's not mentioning the interests and goofy behavior!

Anonymous said...

A geek is not a nerd with a social life. A geek is someone who's obsessed with one particular thing, like Star Trek not necessarily smart, and is of no use to society. A nerd is someone who is smart and likes a lot of things and prefers intellecutal pursuits to regular people things.

Not to be confused with dorks, who are both dumb and losers. Like Napoleon Dynamite.

Trevor Thompson said...

Quit yer quarrelin'...... dweebs.

- trevor.

Keeper said...

That's interesting, Jorge. In the '80s in Santa Cruz, it was the smart people who called themselves geeks. To us, "geeking" meant socializing, particularly online. There were "geek houses" where geeks lived, which typically had a terminal in every room for internet shell access. And plenty of geek parties.

What you describe (someone with an obsession, regardless of intelligence), I'd call "otaku". I think back in the '80s, we'd just use "nerd" for that.

Keeper said...

Sorry, I mean we'd use "dork" for that. Bad brain! No biscuit!

Anonymous said...

Geek/nerd culture is really fractured these days, You have the sort of nerds that post here and the type who post on 4chan and spend all day typing "fail" in comment threads.

The internet gives you a really warped view of humanity, blogs like this are an exception but most discourse on the internet comes from an obsessive 5% of the population. Most normal people don't go out of their way to express their opinions to complete strangers.

Almost everyone uses wikipedia to an extent, but 75% percent of edits on wikipedia are done by 3% if wikipedia users and those people are BATSHIT INSANE. Just hit "discussion" on a popular article to see what I mean.

Until the internet becomes something like a holodeck 99% of the people talking to each other are going to be Otaku Fanboys and hyperpedants

Keeper said...

Good comment, Mr Anonymous. Another thing about the good old days of the 1980s and early '90s: In order to gain access to the internet, you had to know how to use unix, which required a certain degree of intelligence.

So, while there certainly were flamewars, at least you knew the jerkwad you were arguing with was somewhat smart!

Anonymous said...

This discussion of nerds/geeks is fascinating!

I'm still convinced that the internet is not mainstream yet. As much as people use it, most use it for research and facebook/social networking (not Digg). The true nerds who were around back in the old Web 1.0 days have now migrated to the most sophisticated websites on the internet and are aware of the culture and history behind it.

It's really strange that the internet is so vast and wide but that 90% of people who use it don't use it for anything other than email and social networking. I'm convinced that if most teenage girls found out what the "true" parts" of the internet are all about, they'd be shocked! Shocked!

The best analogy for it is that it's like swimming in a kiddy pool in the middle of an ocean liner.

Pic related:


Anonymous said...

Youre right Jorge.

I can't stand Xkcd though, it's a comic designed specificaly for internet people. Cartoons should use fundamental aspects of human nature as their starting off points like Greed, Hubris, Jealousy etc. Doing cartoons about specific web browsers and versions of windows is gross.

It would be like reading comics from 50 years ago that are about specific brands of Tv's and Radios. I'm not saying you can't do comics about computers and science but that they should be funny to normal people in the same way that The Far Side was.

Digg.com is a good example about content on the internet being framed by a small majority. I check the site out every day, but because I avoid becoming part of an "online community" and having to deal with all the hierarchal pedantic bullshit that entails like the plague I don't have an account.

Most of the people that do submit articles to digg are "internet people" which is why most of the content that hits the front page is articles about linux, Xkcd, and Macs. It's also impossible to get anything on the front page anyhow unless you get a few hundred friends and make sure to digg all their submissions, something well adjusted people with lives would never do.

What I really hate about when mainstream media covers the internet is that theres never any criticism, its always "This is the way society is headed!" even when what they're covering is stupid.

Secondlife is for the dregs of humanity but it's treated as "A fascinating alternative universe where people can carve out new social identities".


Again blogs like this are huge exceptions but that's because you're a real person with a soul who has never uttered the word "lulz" in your life.

Anonymous said...

Oh and Jorge I wasn't trying to insult you at all, you're a fellow Jane Goodal

Anonymous said...

It doesn't help that most of todays "media critics" are complete dorks who don't get it at all.


"It's all about the Remixing and Mashups with todays generation!"

Whenever Cnn has an "internet expert" come on to explain the latest Social networking phenomenon they're always a complete tool

Anonymous said...

Computers and internet culture are bad subjects for cartoonists because they're impossible to romanticize and evolve so quickly that any cartoon that is too specific is bound to become an ephemeral relic.

If you are going to cover computers I think you should be as broad as possible, even draw giant wall sized computers that spit out answers on cue cards like the Batcomputer, or get computers deliberately wrong on purpose, make up your own weird computers and input. The angry reaction you will get from "computer experts" will be priceless.

If it matters whether someone in your cartoon is using Linux, Windows Vista, or Firefox then you are NOT a cartoonist

Anonymous said...

The spirit of good cartooning, Don Martin, Clampett etc. is antithetical to the spirit of "internet culture" is I guess what I'm trying to say.

Anonymous said...

I guess a counterargument would be that cartoonists are supposed to "capture the zeitgeist" or reflect society or whatever. But what observations are cartoonists supposed to make about the internet and culture as a whole other than it sucks and is depressing?

People who spend 5 hours a day playing world of warcraft and get into arguments under youtube videos are too insubstantial to bother making fun of

Anonymous said...

The best example of the stupidity of this generation is the moronic amount of affection they have for shows like Transformers and the Smurfs

Anonymous said...

"People who spend 5 hours a day playing world of warcraft and get into arguments under youtube videos are too insubstantial to bother making fun of"

It would be as if writers like Swift and Juvenal spent most of their energy mocking the masses for being illiterate instead of attacking politicians and writers they found fatuous

Anonymous said...

Deviantart.com is probably the best argument there is against the internet

Anonymous said...

What really bothers me about the internet is how misanthropic it makes me feel, you can't read through the comments on a popular youtube video without hating people

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Anon: Thanks for the re-mixing and video world links. I don't know what I think about the re-mixing issue. I've often wanted to re-mix YouTube videos, but wasn't sure about the legality.

Anonymous said...

It's a grey area legalitywise, you certainly wouldn't need to worry about any legal trouble.

It's not the idea of remixing I'm against as much as the quality and sensibility behind the remixes and "mashups"

I'd love to see videos remixed by you or anyone else with talent, but the quality on youtube is such that it's never worth checking out a random mashup and all the user made garbage gets in the way of the real mccoy.

The worst offenders are people who overdub python skits and Comedians to clips from anime

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Anon: Interesting! Are there any free programs that allow you to grab parts of YouTube videos? Sometimes I want to talk about a single action that's ten minutes into the video, and I don't want to bore everybody with the first nine minutes.

Anonymous said...


This addon will let you download youtube videos. And then you could edit the part you want into your own video

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Anon: Holy Mackerel! It'll be a couple of days til I can try it, but I can't wait! Thanks a million!