Wednesday, December 01, 2010


I have a question for you. What is unusual about the woman in the photograph above?  What about this picture tells us that it's a fantasy, with no relationship to reality whatsoever? Is it the height of the woman? Nope.  Some mad scientist somewhere might be able to pull that off.  No, I'm talking about something nobody could pull off, something utterly inceivable. Give up?

It's the fact that she's walking outdoors without a handbag. That's an unthinkable situation which could never, ever occur in the real world. Even a giant woman would never be seen in public without a handbag. Why? 'Darned if I know.

 Remember when ladies' purses used to be small (above)?

Well, not any more. They're huge now....

...and getting bigger all the time.

What's in 'em (above)? Well, other handbags for one thing. There's also phones, ipods, candybars, photo albums, tissues, mints, gum, books, cameras, a second wallet, brush, bottled water, tea, teasing comb, checkbook, hair dryer, scrunchies, hair spray, sun glasses and case, glasses and case, reading glasses and case, letters, crumbs, pens, markers, cosmetics, clothes, soap, tissues, coupons, umbrella, thread, receipts, chap stick, keys, aspirin... well it would be a long list.

How do I know this? 'Cause there's a kazillion youtube videos where girls passionately talk to each other about their handbags.

A bag that packed (above) is a formidable tool for preventing people from passing you in narrow aisles.

Handbags are a big deal now. Movie stars advertise them. Here (above) Madonna's famous crotch endorses a Gucci bag.

Here (above) Scarlett-Johansson  shows off her handbag. Scarlett's a nice girl but she's a liitle chair-challenged.    

Hey, lots of people don't know how to use chairs. It's fairly common. But I digress.

If you're a guy you're focused on the girl in the picture (above), if you're a woman, you're scoping out the handbag. The brown florette pattern identifies it as...GASP!...a real LOUIS VUITTON, the towering MOUNT EVEREST of handbags! There isn't a girl on the planet who wouldn't kill to own one!

This (above) is the coveted Vuitton pattern, the one with little gothic wildflowers and Vuitton's initials.

For some the florettes are too subtle. Vuittons can cost well over a thousand bucks, and if you shell out that kind of money you want the world to know it...thus the labels (above).

Check out the fox tails. Handbags can be embellished with tails, feathers, beads and Hello Kitties.

At this point guys are probably breathing a sigh of relief. Handbags are something only girls have to worry about, right? Er...maybe. Check out the link below. It's a youtube video but embedding wasn't allowed.


kellie said...

Perhaps Ms Johansson is sitting/lying/leaning like that so she won't have to comb the back of her hirsute dress after she gets up - probably forgot her special dress-comb in one of her other bags.

Jennifer said...

You got that right, Uncle Eddie - most of us girls like handbags and shoes.

I don't get the uber-large handbags, either - except using it as a tote bag when I'm walking around and shopping in the city.

Even though I do own a few high-end designer handbags (recent and vintage), I prefer my collection of vintage handbags. I get many more compliments on my vintage handbags than on my current high-end designer bags. I DON'T own a Louis Vuitton handbag or other "logo bags" - I, personally, don't like "logo bags" because I think they look tacky.

Ian Merch! said...

You really think this is something that some women, trying to be out of the norm, would try to go against. But all the counter culture girls I know all have these giant mail delivery bags that they carry huge amounts of stuff in. They're essentially book bags they wear over one shoulder. It just makes me think that maybe there's something instinctual about it.

And I don't think I know a girl who ever keeps anything in her pockets.

Steven M. said...

Handbags are like dogs, they're girls' best friend.

Mark Simonson said...

It's because they usually don't put practical pockets in women's clothing. My wife doesn't like to carry a handbag (too easy to get stolen or lost), so it limits her choices in clothing. She usually wears jeans as a result. She still ends up with a handbag on many occasions, but she doesn't keep her wallet in it.

As a guy, you can carry a handbag, as long as it looks like it's from the backpack department of REI and you call it a satchel. And there's no make up in it.

Gordon said...

Aren't 3 of those ladies in the "small handbag" picture named Palin, Cleese and Jones?

Unknown said...

Wow!!! What a great theory!! And you're right!

Technically I carry two bags. One small purse for my phone and important junk. And my big bag for my other big junk, like my sketchbook.

My mom's purse is full of receipts and dirty coins, so it's no wonder she always has trouble finding her keys.

Brubaker said...

Ha! My mom had that Vuitton pattern handbag. I think it's still around in storage somewhere.

And a related comic.

Anonymous said...

I'm glad I'm not the only fellow who's been noticing that girl's handbags have been growing year after year. I'm just puzzled at why you didn't mention the Vera Bradley handbags. They seem to be all the rage among many of the girls at my school. Anyways, fantastic post as usual, and I'm in agreement with you for the most part, Eddie.

Severin said...

I admire the utility of handbags, but they can most certainly be taken too far. When my girlfriend and I moved to CA, our first place of residence was living with an actress who had a closet full of bags. When she opened the door one or two bags would tumble out. She gave three to Cassandra (my girlfriend), who didn't even know what to do with so many bags.

Personally, I'm looking to get a messenger bag this year, to carry my sketchbook. Maybe I will fall prone to Bag Mania. (not likely)

Emily Byrne said...

Terry Jones makes a greaaaat woman!!
Love your blog, Uncle Eddie.

Ben W said...

There's a whole interesting mini-history with the conspicuousness of labels with Louis Vuitton and other high-end designers. Evidently conspicuous branding is considered gauche and nouveau rich by those whose family has been well-heeled for an extra generation or two, so the designers also have subtler or unbranded items marketed to true bluebloods. Of course their blueblood peers all recognize the high-end value of the items, while we plebs march about assuming it came from Target, since it doesn't have VUITTON emblazoned on it. I can understand how people would find the world of fashion too confusing to actively participate in, but not how anyone can find it boring.

thomas said...

You know, they say sometimes a cigar is just a cigar; the same goes for handbags.

BTW ...ya lookin'


David Germain said...

One of my sisters is an absolute exception. She feels it is to "girly" to carry a purse or handbag of any kind and refuses to do so. I remember in her teenage years she was always either leaving her wallet lying around or just money lying around and saying "don't touch it, it's mine". I have no idea how she keeps track of that stuff now.

My other sister on the other hand, required not one but 3 backpacks full of stuff everywhere she went. And yet, whenever I'd drive her somewhere, she'd always tell me to go back because she forgot something.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Thomas: Thanks for the link! Two million isn't unreasonable for a house like that.

Kellie: Haw! Dresses you can comb may be the wave of the future.

Jennifer: I forgot about womens shoes. The wonder of shoes is that, with all the money that's spent on them, designers still refuse to make them comfortable.

Gordon: I knew there was something fishy about those women!

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Brubaker: Thanks for the link. That strip attracts funny commenters.

Sandra: Do you mean a bag within a bag?

Roberto: Vera Bradley? I never heard of it til you mentioned it. I looked it up and found it interesting. It exists in a whole different universe than Vuitton.

Emily: I checked out your blog. You make the caricature world seem like fun. I'm amazed that there's a place where people go to be drawn by artists lined up ( I'm exaggerating) shoulder to shoulder. Philadelphians really seem to appreciate the artform.

Ben: Yeah, it's not have to give it that. Like it or not, right now fashion is the cutting edge art.

David: My kid is like that.

Russell said...

I knew the top photo wasn't real because there wasn't a crowd of creepy camera toting little guys behind her trying to get a picture of her nether regions.

3awashi thani said...

I don't give a crap what my handbag looks like so long as it's big enough to carry my papers, pencils, inks and huge ass pencil sharpner. it's one of the big ones with the cranks :P

pappy d said...

How sad! Baggy jeans are gone & they took those roomy pockets with them. They were great for hiding a Mac10 or a sack full of $5 rocks. For folks my age, baggy clothes hid a lot more, too.

That youtube link was great, Eddie. The urban-primitive bitch-fight in the comments section rounded out the whole panorama of the fashion scene.

thomas said...

That Wright house is pretty amazing. I think it was design in the 50's, so its late. The long horizontal stretches of windows make it very cinematic. And I like hom the price is at 1,999,999. I guess they left the 99 cents. That would just be tacky.

The price is low, for what it is.