HOW I ALMOST BECAME A MOVIE STAR (PART II)

So there I was! My buck teeth and the persistance of Dom Deluise had landed me a part in a major film! Life was good! The film was still in pre-production while the set was being constructed and I didn't worry about the role I was going to play because I knew I had it locked in.

One day I got a summons from the casting department. Nothing strange about that. I used to have a desk there and they were probably mad because I forgot to clean it out. I casually walked across the lot and to my suprise, before my eyes could adjust to the interior light, I was pushed into the waiting room of the casting director. What I saw there was absolutely the strangest, most disturbing thing I'd ever seen in my life!

Lined up on chairs all around the waiting room were clones of myself. Every one of them looked just like me: receeding chins, big noses, big ears, buck teeth, similar clothes...it was like looking into an endless mirror! Not only that but someone tipped them off that I was the original and they were all imitating me!!!!! If I scratched my nose eight clones scratched right along with me! I can't begin to tell you how weird that was! I forgot to say that when I last talked to the director he'd taken a Polaroid of me. He must have given it to the casting director and she must have scoured the town for clones who were professional actors! Thus the room of me!

I don't have the bandwidth to finish this. Sorry but I 'll need a part three to end it. Do stay tuned because there's an unexpected twist and the story gets even weirder!

Continued next time! (copyright 9/8/06)

HOW I ALMOST BECAME A MOVIE STAR! (PART I)

I don't know if I have enough bandwidth to tell this story, even in two parts. I'll do my best. Here goes....

A long time ago a friend with connections got me a job storyboarding for a big Universal film called "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas." It was an expensive film for its day and the actors were some of the time's most expensive actors: Dolly Parton, Burt Reynolds, and Dom Deluise. I wasn't a union member but the director liked my work so he paid for a union storyboarder and didn't use him, just so I could work on the film. It was great! I had a fancy office next to the director, I got to hob-knob and explore, and the work was really fun!

One day I was sitting on a box eating a tunafish sandwich on a soundstage, watching the dancers rehearse. The girls were wearing next to nothing so you can imagine that I was pretty absorbed, so absorbed that I failed to notice that someone was watching me. When I finally turned around I was amazed to see that Dom Deluise was right behind me, staring down at me. He lunged at me and shouted, "I've been watching you! You'd be perfect to play my dumb assistant!!!! You're an actor aren't you!!!???" I was completely dumbfounded and, with tuna dripping from my mouth, I blurted out. ".......Uh...no." He looked disappointed then bolted up. "It doesn't matter! You want the role don't you!?" I nodded yes. "Then you've got it!!!! I'm gonna talk to Collin (the director) right now!" And he stormed out.

I was in seventh heaven! I'd been...even now I have to swallow when I think about it...DISCOVERED! I could live in Beverley Hills, snub all my friends, wear cheetah-skin jackets, live (as Ren would say) de highlife!...MY SHIP HAD COME IN! My feet barely touched the ground! When I went home that night I raced to the phone and called everybody I knew but to my suprise they were skeptical: "Eddie, think about it. Dom Deluise is probably a nice guy who promises things like that to people all the time and nothing ever comes of it. You're just getting your hope up for nothing!" So many people said that that I began to think they were right and over the next week I gradually put it out of my mind.

One day I got a call summoning me to the director's office. He said, "Dom Deluise has been pestering me for a week. He says he has to have you for the dumb assistant. Have you ever acted before?" Weeeeeeeelll, this time I was prepared! I confidently rattled off every grade school play and pageant that I was ever in, making it seem like the whole kid world would have collapsed without me. Collin listened blankly then looked out the window. After an eternity he said, "OK... you've got it! But remember! Less is more!!!" WOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!! Thank God for buck teeth! Moments later I found myself in the parking lot jumping up and down and punching the air! SUCCESS! SUCCESS AT LAST!!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW...........(copyright Eddie Fitzgerald 9/7/06)

WE'RE BACK!!!!!!

I NEED A VACATION!

MORE CECIL BELL

Here's more pictures by my favorite New York City painter, Cecil Bell. I like this woman in green (above). She's sexy, a woman whose whole life is absorbed by the task of appealing to men, but she's also an admirable person in her own way. Bell realizes the value of people like this and paints them.


How do you like the picture of the tug and the two chatting women? I could stare at it all day. Two normal, admirable women casually chat next to the technological marvel of the steel structure of the ferry. Behind is the wild, untamed force of the sea and a massive, smoking shape like a giant bullfrog slides past. You can almost smell the sweat, steel and woolen clothing in the ferry interior.



This really happened! It's a scene out of Bosch! A flaming ship out of control smashed through the docks and beached itself on the city street. The people on the roofs, the wild twisting flames, the water canons on the tugs and the wailing of the sirens create an indelible memory.

IS IT WORTH ARGUING WITH CRAZY PEOPLE?

No, of course it isn't, not if the person is completely crazy, but how often do you come across that? Most crazy people are half crazy or a quarter crazy, something like the way Jack Nicholson was in "As Good as it Gets." How do you treat them? Do you argue back knowing that they may not be listening?

A further complication is the fact that some half crazy people seem to know the difference in principal between right and wrong. They seem to have a moral sense that can be appealed to. Maybe no one ever does. I don't know of any books or magazines that are written exclusively for the mentally ill. On the other hand they may hear an exceptional amount of moral philosophy from people they irritate, more than the rest of us do. It's hard to generalize; there are so many kinds of crazy. Some of them are nice people, some of them are jerks.

In my opinion it's a good idea to explain why what they're doing is irritating you, even if the explanation would be painfully obvious to any normal person. It may not do any good but you never know. Like I said, there's all kinds of crazy. Maybe at the bottom of the twisted tunnel in their minds somebody's listening.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

MINNIE MOUSE'S AMAZING HOUSE

Two of my favorite spots at Disneyland are Mickey and Minnie's houses. None of the pictures here do them justice. The best parts are beautiful and surprisingly sophisticated.

The exteriors (one shown above) are amazing for their use of space. The houses seem simultaneously very big and very small. I'm not referring to spaces behind facades but to what you actually see from the street. How did they do that? And look at the garden; the balance of shapes somehow makes it look like all the elements are in motion. The effect is shocking! Are any architects paying attention to this? This is a really interesting idea.


Sadly the picture of the kitchen (above) doesn't capture the dynamic quality of the space. The scale of the objects, the scuptured negative spaces and the magnificently sheltering ceiling are exciting! The only thing that mars it for me is the even spacing of the folds in the tablecloth. I only wish I could have gotten good photos of the living rooms.


The car outside is amazing! Why aren't there real cars like that? I had to elbow some kids to sit in it but it was worth it. It's even more attractive when seen from the vantage point of the driver inside the car.

A final word about the house: don't misunderstand me. I know that wacky, wonky, skewered lines would grow tiresome if you had to live with them every day. I'm not suggesting that the real world be dismantled to make room for Roger Rabbit-type houses. What I'm saying is that the spatial proportions here are fascinating and would continue to be so even if the lines were straightened out.