Sunday, January 16, 2011

HOW TO COOK CASHEW CHICKEN


Okay, we're going to make stir fried Cashew Chicken with vegetables! You'll have to pay a visit to a  Chinese market, but that'll be fun. Wait til you see what those stores are like!



 Tentacles, eyeballs (above), hooves, candied baby sand crabs... they're all there, many of them with cancer warnings pasted all over them!


Look into the freezer and it'll look back at you!

But I digress. About woks...you'll want to use a flat-bottomed wok, though in a pinch you can use a steel or iron frying or saute pan. Nonstick pans are dismissed by traditionalists because they require lower heat, but they make cleanup so easy that they're hard to resist. I have both kinds and I only use the nonstick now.

Ordinary frying pans usually have low sides and the constant stirring will push the food out and onto the floor, so watch out. If you're using a frying pan then it's best to cook the vegetables separately, after the chicken's been removed, so you'll have more room in the pan. If you have a old-style steel wok you haven't used in a long time it might be rusty, so you'll have some strenuous cleaning to do. For rust use steel wool and soap.



Here's (above) the recipe I use, from Helen Chen's "Chinese Home Cooking." I hope you can read it. Click to enlarge.

This recipe serves four. If I'm cooking the meal for myself only then I use half the amount of everything, not a fourth. Why the extra 25%? It's because I added added vegetables to the recipe. Believe me, this dish tastes twice as good when combined with vegetables!

About the chicken: To make it easy on yourself buy boneless, skinless breasts. At my local supermarket these are on sale at least once a month. The last time I shopped the sale price for a 2 1/2 lb. pack of four large breasts (unfrozen) was $5.50



If you're only cooking for yourself you'll want to use one breast and freeze the other 3. Remove the supermarket wrapping and re-wrap each one separately before freezing. If you freeze all four at once in their original wrapping they'll stick together and you'll need a flame thrower to separate them. When the chicken is thawed and ready to cook, dice it into small squares. The parts won't really look like squares, but that's what you should aim for.

For the rice you'll want long grain white Jasmine. I have a bag of short grain Japanese sticky rice that I have to finish up, so I use that. It's delicious and easy to eat with chopsticks, but I have to admit that it's so good that it competes with the taste of the main dish.

Oil: peanut oil used to be popular for stir fry because it resists smoking at high temperatures, and smoking can give food a scorched taste. I use grape seed oil because it's almost as heat resistant, and is more healthful. The taste is about the same.


Soy sauce: Kikkoman has the best taste of all, but it's too thin and watery to stand up to the high heat of stir frying. For that you need something thicker. Try "Pearl River Bridge Superior Dark Soy Sauce (above)." obtainable at Chinese markets. Gee, that's a beautiful name isn't it?

Sesame oil: two Chinese cookbooks I've seen recommend Kadoya brand Japanese sesame oil (above).

Ginger root: buy it hard and firm.  For one meal you only need a single small root.


Vegetables: 1/4 lb. snow peas, bean sprouts (a big bag usually costs a dollar), shitake mushrooms (shown above; cheap if you buy them at a Chinese market), and spinach.  No bamboo shoots or water chestnuts for this recipe. They're for Almond Chicken, which is made differently. Add a small chili pepper if you like hot food.



Hoisin sauce: this is one of the things that gives Chinese dishes their distinctive flavor. The supermarket kind in a jar is fine. I like to add a little Chinese oyster sauce (Lee Kum Kee Premium Oyster Flavored Sauce) and pepper, but these are optional.

Okay, that's it. Before cooking have all the ingredients prepared and easily accessible. If you have to stop to look for something while cooking the food will overcook. BE CAREFUL NOT TO OVERCOOK. It's frighteningly easy to cook the flavor away, or give it a scorchy taste.  If you're not sure about the cooking time, it's best to error on the side of undercooking.



Take care to be sure the important areas of the wok are thoroughly oiled before subjecting the wok to high heat and garlic. Constantly shake the wok when cooking; constantly stir. Wok cooking uses intense heat for short periods of time. Have the table set, have the rice already cooked and on the plates, and have drinks at the ready. The cooking will go very quickly and you or your guests will want to start eating the instant the food is moved onto the plate. Guests should never wait for the cook to be seated. The food is at maximum flavor the moment it touches the plate.

Oh, I almost forgot the vegetables! If you cook them separately then cook them last of all, over medium heat, and almost all at once. I say "almost" because you'll want to add the most delicate things, like spinach leaves and sesame oil, last.

The drink? Beer or a moderately sweet white wine is most common. I tried a Gewurztraminer (spelled right?) and that worked fine. Trader Joe's Two Buck Chuck version of Sauvignon Blanc worked fine too. Helen Chen says the Chinese don't drink alcohol with meals unless they're celebrating something. They prefer to drink chicken broth, with a little tea afterward.



So there it is! You can find videos about seasoning and cleaning a steel wok on YouTube. You can also find videos  on the making of Cashew Chicken, but none of them agree.

For the time being I'll stick to Chen's recipe. Chen's version wins the coveted 'Two Day Glow" rating that I bestow on only on the best recipes, the ones that incite you to hippie bliss (above) and the feeling that all men are your brothers for a full two days after eating the meal.  I love Chinese restaurant meals, but they've never given me the glow that Chen's recipes have.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

CARTOON ANATOMY: COMPLEX UPPER, SIMPLE LOWER

NOTE: 'NOTHING OBSCENE HERE, BUT THIS POST IS NOT OFFICE OR SCHOOL SAFE!



In a lot of women interesting shapes are distributed all over the body. The head and torso dominate, but there's still a lot to see everywhere else.



Some women, on the other hand, have all the goodies (ie., non sexual goodies) crammed into the upper torso, and the rest is...well...simplicity. That part is devoted to...."art." It's a case of one design concept being grafted onto another: a complex top onto a super simple bottom. 

Look at the woman above. Her torso above the bottom of the ribs is compact and full of detail. Below the ribs she's all clean, long, flowing lines.

BTW, I like the way this woman dresses to emphasize the contrasts. I even like her slouch because it favors her legs. 

Long legs and a short, compressed torso are a cartoonist's dream. Thank Heaven there really are people like that!

Actually, in the picture above the long, graceful lines begin just under the breasts. 


This idea that complexity ends with the bottom of the breasts (above) was exploited by Art Nouveau artists like Mucha and Klimt. 


If a woman is brave enough (above) she can dress in a way that really calls attention to the smooth nature of the lower two thirds. A martini and a pack of cigarettes complete the look. 

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

MY BEST POST EVER, AND IT'S ALL TRUE!

This is a revised version of a post I did way back in 2007. I'm very busy and cheats like this will allow me to continue posting for the next week. I don't feel guilty, though. It's the best post I ever did, and it reads a lot better now. Here goes...


My friend Mike hates fast food restaurants. He won't set foot in them. I understand that: most of them are crowded and noisy, with plastic seats and bad food, and who needs that? Alright, they can be terrible, but my local Carl's Jr. isn't like that. For at least half the day it's quiet and comfortable, and you can nurse a cup of coffee while reading, and nobody'll bother you.



Anyway, one day I caught Mike in a weak moment and he let me talk him into going to Carl's. Big mistake! I picked the wrong time because the place was full of retar...er, "mentally challenged" people...with shopping carts filled with "Lion King" memorabilia.  Maybe they'd raided a dumpster. Maybe there was a convention nearby, I don't know.  They were all shouting incoherently and arguing about who owned what, and of course they all gravitated to Mike.



I tried to take Mike's mind off the din by talking about movies and what not, but it was hard to tune out what was going on all around us. At the door a man appeared with a Lion King doll, but he couldn't get in. I don't think he understood the concept of doors. He could see his friends inside, but there was this big old slab (the door) in the way.



After making a few tentative little pushes he opened the door about 20% of the way, then tried to squeeze in through the narrow opening. The door, which had a normal amount of spring tension, began to close on him every time he stopped pushing, and it pinned him by the shoulders. The frightened man turned sideways to get more room but the door closed on him in that position too. Finally he  painstakingly wheedled through sideways, like a crab.



I'm ashamed to say that I was so surprised by what I was seeing that I forgot to offer to help. Besides I was distracted by a little kid who was trying to hit Mike with an empty DVD box.




Things got worse. A man settled into a booth nearby with a cup of coffee and looked wistfully out the window. Nothing wrong with that, I thought, just a citizen enjoying a cup of coffee. "Ah!" you could hear him thinking, "Life is good!" He took a sip then went to take another sip and was shocked to discover that his cup was empty. He glared at the kitchen then got up and filled it again...but with only a little bit of liquid.

Back in the booth he took another long, relaxed sip. "Aaaaah!", he thought again, "That's good!" But wait a minute! He went to take a another sip and the cup was empty all over again! Wha...? What kind of scam was this place running!!!??? Once again he stormed up to the counter to get more coffee.


This went on and on, with him looking surprised that his cup was empty then filling it again with the wrong amount of coffee. Once again I didn't offer to help because the kid was back hitting Mike with the DVD box again.


I should add that Mike was sitting close to the aisle. Every time the coffee man passed he would fart in Mike's face. And when I say "passed," I mean passed in both directions. Mike would get a fart in the face on the guy's way up, and a fart in the face on the guy's way back.



I suggested to Mike that we slide farther in on our seats so we could get away from the aisle, but when we did it was revealed that the woman in the booth behind us was regarding Mike with a murderous stare. Maybe he reminded her of the father who abused her and who now deserved to be stabbed. It was really intense. Regretfully we slid back to the aisle where Mike was promptly farted on again.

So that was my lunch with food snob Mike. (Sigh!) I guess we won't be eating at Carl's again any time soon.


BTW......many, many thanks to Charles Brubaker for the nifty spinner. What a hoot! I'll post a picture of it when I'm able. I can't wait to use it!

Friday, January 07, 2011

THE PRINCESS & THE GIANT (REVISED) (PART I)

EXT. PRINCESS CASTLE:

PRINCESS (V.O.):  "Why can't all men be like giants?"

PRINCESS: "Giants are gentle and nice...not stuck up like that stupid Count Frisbee. I wouldn't go out with him again if he were the last man on Earth!


PRINCESS: "He thinks he's God's Gift to Women...and you know that he's probably always thinking about doing the nasty!"


PRINCESS: "Hey, I'm a Princess! I could have his fingers pulled off! Ha, ha, just kidding!"


PRINCESS: "Giants are so docile and friendly. Why can't all men be like giants?"


PRINCESS: "Hey, I have an idea! Let's take a walk! We'll be gone when Frisbee gets here, and when he sees that nobody's home, maybe he'll get the hint that he's not wanted around here!!


PRINCESS: "I'll just change real fast!"


PRINCESS: "Take these shoes, will 'ya?"


PRINCESS: "I don't need Count Conceited, or whatever his name is."



PRINCESS: "What do I need men for, anyway?"


PRINCESS: "Here, take this scarf."


PRINCESS: "Everybody thinks you find happiness by finding one special person that you share your life with, but I don't think that's how it works. Look at all the people who believe in that. They're all still looking, you know?" 


PRINCESS: "Me, I greet life with a smile. I feel the sensation of the morning dew on my skin. I wait for the sun to come up and fill me with love energy! I don't need Mr. Right!" 


PRINCESS (V.O.): "All I need is a friend like you. Someone I can...you know.... share everything with. 


PRINCESS: "It's all about Karmic energy!"


PRINCESS: "Get rid of this will 'ya? Where's my other dress?"


PRINCESS: "I mean, the only time you can ever feel strong and secure is when you're giving it to others instead of wishing they would give it to you!"


PRINCESS: "Give it to others, I say! Give it to others!"


PRINCESS: "I just want to share!"


PRINCESS (V.O.): "That's all I want..."


PRINCESS: "I just desperately want to...SHARE! Um, do you know where my socks are?"


GIANT: (He wordlessly mouths, "Thank you, God! Thank you!")


 ON THE DOOR:

SFX: KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!


*******TO BE CONTINUED*******

Thursday, January 06, 2011

THE PRINCESS & THE GIANT (PART II)

KNOCK! KNOCK! KNOCK!

GIANT: "Huh?"


PRINCESS: "Count Frisbee! Is that you? You're early!"


COUNT FRISBEE: "Yes, darling...I couldn't wait any longer!"


COUNT FRISBEE: "I just had to see you! I was going out of my mind!"


COUNT FRISBEE: "I couldn't even think without you! I didn't get any sleep last night!"


PRINCESS: "I know how you felt, Darling! I couldn't sleep either!"


COUNT FRISBEE: "That silly quarrel we had...it was all my fault! I'm so sorry!"


PRINCESS: "No, no! It was totally my fault! I feel so ashamed!"


COUNT FRISBEE: "It's so good to be together again! Maybe...maybe it's time we made this permanent."


PRINCESS: "It always was permanent, Darling. It always was. Let's find a grotto somewhere and hold hands!"


PRINCESS (V.O.): "Giant, clean this place up while we're gone, will you? It's a mess!"