Monday, August 27, 2007

THE JOHN KRICFALUSI MANLY CARTOONIST BURGER

Sid: "You're here for the recipe, right? This burger's for cartoonists only...are you a cartoonist? Do you have I.D.? Hey, put the wallet back! I'm just kidding! OK, have a seat and listen up!

Uncle Eddie got this recipe directly from John K. and I got it directly from Uncle Eddie! This is the real McCoy, the world's manliest cartoonist burger."
Sid: "Start with lean ground beef...not the very leanest, you need a little fat...and an equal amount of ground angus and ground sirloin (That's 1/2 hamburger , 1/4 angus and 1/4 sirloin). Supermarkets keep these already ground and wrapped, right next to the ground beef.
Back at home it's important to have a Frankie Laine CD on while you're working. You can't make manly burgers unless you have manly music playing. And be sure it's the right Frankie Laine disc; the cuts "Wild Goose" and "Bowie Knife" are absolute necessities."
"OK, mix all the burger meats in a bowl, together with a raw egg. Add some spices. John uses chili powder, oregano and red and black pepper. No salt! Add some chopped onions. Mmmmm! Smells good already!
When you shape the paddies be sure they're a little bigger than the rolls you'll be using. Don't be stingy. The rolls, by the way, are bakery rolls with poppy or sesame seeds. "


"Now grill the burgers on the BBQ. Don't put the hood on, that's not the manly way. A real man allows the burgers to quick cook so they get crispy on the outside and mushy on the inside.
While the burgers are cooking you'll want to go back inside and fry some bacon and red and yellow peppers together. Mushrooms too, if you prefer. The bacon will give everything a great flavor. Make sure the bacon isn't over-cooked. You don't want it to be a burnt slab like the kind you get in restaurants. Take a taste. Aaaah!"

"Now turn the burgers over and put the cheese on top. No crummy American cheese, it has to be sharp cheddar or Swiss. Toast the rolls. When the paddie's cooked take it inside and heap on the bacon and peppers. Add some lettuce, maybe the deep green kind with the red tips. It has to be lettuce with flavor -- no iceberg! Serve it up with fresh, sliced onion rings. Put on the roll.
If you've done it right you should have a burger rich in flavor nuggets. As your teeth travel through the juicy little masterpiece you should experience a succession of textural delights. All it needs now is the right beer: LaBatt 50s or Pilsner Urquell if you can get hold of them."

"And there it is, The Manly Cartoonist's Burger. A meal fit for a king!


35 comments:

Ohjeepers said...

"Bowie Knife" is the PERFECT song to listen to while cooking this!

Damn I'm hungry now...

JohnK said...

No Oregano and not mushy inside. Juicy.

Hey you spelled my name right!

Brilliantpants said...

Are ladies allowed to make them if they are making them for a man, and they wear a dress and high-heels and and a pretty, spotless apron?

Jennifer said...

Sounds really good - except for the peppers - I don't like peppers. I like how the cheddar will counterbalance the spices - yum!

I'm going to make this next week, but I'll skip the peppers, the bun (I can't eat bread) and the beer (I can't drink beer and I don't like it anyway).

Kris said...

I was with you until you got to your beer selection. Come on, Eddie! Real men drink microbrews!

Kali Fontecchio said...

He does make a good burger- Eddie looks like he's discovered the Holy Grail everytime John makes it!

Anonymous said...

"As your teeth travel through the juicy little masterpiece you should experience a succession of textural delights. All it needs now is the right beer: LaBatt 50s or Pilsner Urquell if you can get hold of them."

Could I substitute a cold one for another beverage (I don't drink beer or any other alcoholic beverage.)

Otherwise, this so called "burger fit for King" sounds delicious.

Lester Hunt said...

Next time I make burgers I'll try this one. You have performed a public service! (I should say, if I ever do make burgers again. I got a new smoker this summer and I've been working obsessively with duck, chicken, pork ribs, and freshly caught trout. Burgers seem miles away.)

John A said...

Just in time for Labor Day (and my birthday) I'll pass the recipe on to the wife. Nice to hear you enjoy Pilsner-Urquell, it was a favorite of mine back in college.

Kali Fontecchio said...

Don't eat ducks Lester! What did they ever do to you??? I'm more ok with the others for some reason. My environment has conditioned me.

J. J. Hunsecker said...

So, Eddie, you and John enjoy doing womens' work, like cooking?

If you were truly manly, you'd grab your frail by the shoulders, look deep into her eyes and tell her that her man was hungry, and to get to that kitchen and make him a manwich. Then you'd slap her on her ass as she walked away. But maybe that's too virile for you two "ladies".

mike f. said...

I have sampled said burger and can attest to it's inherent manliness. John swings a mean skillet and can really dish out the swell grub.

After dinner, we're always tempted to go to the park and beat up sissies - but we usually settle for watching some violent Fleischer Popeye cartoons instead. (UFC or Three Stooges shorts will do in a pinch.) This seems to settle the raging testosterone, and also helps aid digestion.

Funny thing is - after downing the toothsome morsel, Eddie can usually be seen right back at Carl's Jr. the VERY NEXT DAY, eating his usual wimpy retard burger!

I guess the manliness wears off after 24 hours.

BTW, everything ought to come with pictures of Sid Caesar explaining it.

Anonymous said...

j. j. hunsecker, every man knows that you can't trust women with something as important as cooking meat.

J. J. Hunsecker said...

Brian,

Thanks for setting me straight. Yes, let the womenfolk steam their delicate veggies instead.

Anonymous said...

NICE RECIPE can't wait to try it! You guys are inventing a new genre of writing every day. I'll call it "baby boomer fratire" for now. It reminds me of this Maddox fratire classic. Anyway, is extra old cheddar acceptable? I love that stuff...

I like John's bacon recommendation better, though. I hate crsipy bacon!

>Are ladies allowed to make them if they are making them for a man, and they wear a dress and high-heels and and a pretty, spotless apron?

Well, I'm sure this recipe is only for men in the same way that lesbian porn is only for women.

>(UFC or Three Stooges shorts will do in a pinch.)

REAL men watch boxing, not a bunch of new extreme crap with guys crawling over each other on the floor! You three oughta be ashamed of yourselves!

I forgive you, `cuz you're fans (and progenitors) of some fine comedy shorts.

Kali Fontecchio said...

Soft bacon is the reason I was born.

Borsch said...

"No Oregano and not mushy inside.
Juicy".

Ha, I'd like to try it John, but I come from a generation where I've been spoiled on nonperishables like PB&J. I'd be a wimp and skip out on all of the peppers and onions.


By the way Eddie, where do you keep getting pictures of these people to act out your posts? They're always very funny looking and I'd love to try something like it myself.

Anonymous said...

Swiss cheese over American? What kinda commie puts swiss cheese on their burger! This isn't some cute little trendy Hollywood bistro with cloth napkins, this is America!

I must concur with the bacon idea. Sterling!

Pete Emslie said...

I'm kind of worried about ol' Sid - it looks like he's recommending a reefer for dessert...

Anonymous said...

This recipe is frankly pretty ordinary-it's the chef who makes the meat so tasty! That special sumthin'.

He grills a mean steak tool.

Rodd said...

Soft bacon is the reason I was born.

What did soft bacon ever do to you? Soft bacon can't defend itself and hasn't even had a chance to become tough and grisly unlike crispy bacon.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Borsch: The pictures? I come across them in books from time to time. I don't really look for them.

Bruce, Jennifer: You guys are tampering with the formula but OK, you can change it this one time.

Anonymous said...

You won't go wrong if you grind your own fresh prime meat.

Vanoni! said...

Real men drink microbrews!

Real mean don't drink anything with the name "micro" in it.

I like my bacon crispy and not burnt. But as a guest I'll take any good burger presented to me.


Geez. A good burger would be great right now.

Sean Worsham said...

I'm so sad, the doctor said I have to avoid foods like this from now on until I'm thin enough again (damn).

Rodd said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rodd said...

... the doctor said I have to avoid foods like this from now...

Don't sweat it. Real men don't listen to doctors. They tell them to shut their piehole and get back to delivering babies.

Kali Fontecchio said...

"What did soft bacon ever do to you? Soft bacon can't defend itself and hasn't even had a chance to become tough and grisly unlike crispy bacon."

What??? No, no, no, you completely misunderstood me. I love soft bacon, it's far more superior to crispy or burnt.

Rodd said...

Yeah i know. Was kiddin, just being a smart ass. I was referring to your "dont eat duck, what did they ever do to you" commment. Bacon is an animal too by the way. Domesticated bacon makes better pets than cats they say.

Anonymous said...

Dry burnt bacon is right up there with well done steak and pet ducks as the most unfortunate waste of valuable meat product.

Just kidding, Kali!

Anonymous said...

Elvis ate only burned black bacon on his mayonnaise, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. He died thirty years ago, too.

Anonymous said...

Soft bacon is-ew!-gelatinous and fatty, with bits that won't chew off for anything and stick in one's teeth. Crispy bacon is god's gift!

(Sorry Kali!)

Ohjeepers said...

You GOTTA go with the Soft Bacon!

My Dad used to eat Bacon raw while he was cooking...

Before I became afraid of dying I used to do this myself. Now, Soft Bacon is all that I have left to remember those care-free days...

Ron Corwin said...

There's nothing in the world that can compare to a hamburger juicy and rare

I'll make this with the parallel universe salad and have a meal fit for a theory corner man!

And Kali is right: SOFT bacon is where it's at.

SparkyMK3 said...

Mm! I'm gonna talk my parents into makin' something like this Eddie! Sounds tasty!