The Smoker: "Hey sonny, here's twenty bucks! When the cigarettes come in, send a carton up to suite 316. And here's two bucks for you!"
Young Tobacconist: "Gee whiz, mister! Thanks! Suite 316!" (Then, to his friend after The SMOKER walks off...) "Billy, who is that guy? He orders a carton of cigarettes a day!"
Billy: "Holy Cow! You don't know him!? He's a big-shot private detective! He's....'THE SMOKER!' "
ANNOUNCER: "Yes, he's THE SMOKER, and a smoker knows what others can only guess at!"
Announcer (cont): "Through the tobacco mist he perceives truth and error...AND MURDER!" 
The Smoker: "Yeah, I smoke a lot. It relaxes me, and things tend to happen when you smoke! Like the other day, for instance. I was sitting in my office, puffing away, when the phone rang...."
"It was a real cute girl, you could tell, and I knew she was classy because you could smell the expensive perfume right through the phone. She said she had a job for me, and that I should come down to her house in Beverly Hills."
"It was night when I got there. I didn't know what was going on, but I figured I'd give the outside of the place the once over before knocking on the door. I parked silently in the back and went through my routine. Wow! You coulda' fit my whole office in her kitchen! It looked OK, so I knocked."
"She answered as I was lighting up. Just another customer, I thought."
"Whoa! Let me revise that! NOT just another customer!!!! She was quite a woman, no doubt about it, about five-four, braided blonde hair, and with a body that said 'Wanna be my friend?' Yeah, I definitely wanted to be her friend!" 
"She opened the door wide and gestured me in, but before I could take a step her face went pale. She seemed to be looking at something behind me."
"She backed up, trembling and saying "No...no! I won't tell anybody, I promise! Please...please...don't...."
"BAM! BAM, two shots rang out, and she crumpled to the floor!"
"I wheeled around to confront whatever it was, but before I could focus I took a heavy slam to the head and the next thing I knew I was out cold!"
"When I came to, maybe 15 minutes later, I found myself holding a warm gun. How did that get there? Not only that, but I was inside the house and it was dark. I pulled myself up and groped along the furniture, looking for a light switch. It didn't take long before I stumbled over something on the floor, and it wasn't furniture. It was something soft with braided hair. It was the lady from the doorway, covered in blood!"
"I let out a gasp and staggered backward! We'll never know what would have happened next because the next minute was all about the wail of police sirens, and the light from cop cars coming through the curtains."
"Maybe I shoulda' stayed there and explained everything...maybe... but there I was holding a warm gun next to a corpse, and somehow explaining didn't seem like a very good idea. I pocketed the gun and headed for the back door. That was when I got the second surprise of the evening...my car was gone!'
"My first thought was to run, then I noticed a fancy car with an open door and keys in the ignition. I didn't get it! Why would somebody take my old wreck and leave a car like this in its place? Who knows? No time to think! I got in and peeled out, before the cops knew what was happening!" 
"Did I say there were two surprises that evening? Change it to three! On the seat beside beside me.....just sitting there was.....no, I think I'll save that part of the story for next time. I'm getting hoarse and it's time to savor this wonderful menthol cigarette that I've been waving. Check in next week for another installment of ....THE SMOKER!"
13 comments:
OK, OK, the writing is way beyond bad and the story is just one cliche after another. Every idea in here has been done to death, thousands of times. I did it for fun, just to see what would happen!
"The Smoker" - it's just too damned intriguing.
Loved it. I'm a sucker for James M. Cain. But how am I supposed to wait a week for my next fix?
Since the first stirrings of puberty, I knew smoking is cool. I just never knew how cool.
Eddie Fitzgerald : the creator of "Theory Noir".
You should listen to "A Prairie Home Companion" on NPR this Saturday at 3pm your time. Garrison Keilor has a private eye character very similar to your smoker ( because he, too, blatanly plays up the cliche's with comic results ) named Guy Noir.
Kevin Kline played him in the film ( incidentally, Robert Altman's last film ).
He's gotten so popular that now we're treated to a Noir sketch every week.
Maybe you'll be as generous?
- trevor.
Eddie ,
Think of the children ! Just like Pecos Bill , and Cruella DeVil, and Merlin, and Geppetto, you could cause a child to emulate your actions and start smoking the most dangerous substance known to man.
Don't smoke kids , just 'cause your ol' Unca Eddie made it look so "cool".
It's OK, Eddie, I loved it. The reasons cliches ARE cliches, no matter how hackneyed, 's'cause they're true.
I'm wondering if this this little noir outing is a reaction to big talk in entertainment industry of eliminating characters in all motion pictures and television shows from depicting smoking in any shape or fashion (look out - here comes smoking tobacco porn!). Hey, I agree it is a filthy habit and it shouldn't be promoted and all, but people should be free to make lousy decisions about their own body. And a character that smokes in fiction does give a certain je ne sais quoi dimension - what's going to banned next in entertainment, soda pop because it makes you fat and rots your teeth, unhealthy food that makes you fat and diabetic, or howabout watching television, that's supposed to be unhealthy to your mind and body isn't it?
I certainly don't have the answers, maybe in the next couple of generations it won't even matter, like the disclaimer on the cartoon collections, our filthy unhealthy habits will be regarded as quaint unenlightened habits by the future cleaner healthier generations.
I can't wait!
Mr. Uncle Eddie:
as usual, you are funny as all get out! You have nothing to worry about! Every good story contains some form of cliche in it. That is why we love them and want more! I wish you would do this sorta thing on you tube! It would be a certified hoot!
Thanks everybody! I'm glad you liked it! My kid said I'm doing too many photo essays and she's getting tired of them, so I might have to pull back a bit. Too bad, I have a lot of ideas that I haven't tried yet. I'll stil do them but maybe I'll space them farther apart.
I'm definitely working on doing YouTube videos! If only I knew how to post music here, but people tell me that's difficult.
Albert, Last: I actually like the idea of smoking. It's hard to imagine Noir without it. I look at people who smoke as public-spirited citizens who are willing to shorten their lives to make the world more cool for the rest of us.
Someone needs to do a Flash animation of YOU.
Eddie has a very communicative facial expressions as a fine comedian!
Eddie has very communicative facial expressions as a fine comedian.
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