Don't just peel the tangerine...violate it! Risk going to jail over it! Be Zorba the Greek! Rip that little sucker apart!
"Oops! I forgot about the strings! Isn't life always like that? Just when you're having fun you discover the strings!"
"Well, there's nothing for it but to let the strings fall willy-nilly to the ground. Don't be a dweeb and put them in the wastebasket. Zorba rips his fruit and doesn't worry about the consequences!"
"Now lovingly apply the fruit to the tongue. Tomorrow everybody on the net will have photoshopped a penis into this picture, but I include it anyway, because I like the angle."
"Ooooh! Feel the flavor burst out of the little flavor sacks! That's the taste of liquid sunshine!"
"Feel the citric acid burn your mouth!"
"Man! That's good!"
"Huh....?"
"OK, there's seeds! No big deal!"
"Yummy!"
"OK, there's even more seeds. Actually they never end. Every tangerine has more seeds than the total volume of the fruit. It's a mystery. Don't try to understand it."
"What would Zorba do with the seeds?"
"Now, you may have noticed that by this time your fingers have gotten pretty sticky."
"Zorba would have just wiped his hands on somebody's sleeve, but I have a six month-old restaurant towelette, so I think I'll use that."
"Rip it open with gusto...."
"...and marvel at how they manage to compress a whole wet towel into a small space like that."
"Smell the exotic perfume. How many camels in how many caravans were necessary to bring this precious scent to the West?"
"Now wipe the fingers, taking care not to miss a single spot."
"Amazing! It's just a little Beatrix Potter-size towel but it gets the job done."
"Well, that's it! Join us next week when we eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich Michael Eisner-style."
"Hi everybody! here's a quick tutorial on how to eat a tangerine like Zorba the Greek! You remember Zorba don't you? He was the Greek guy in the book and the film who really knew how to live! Zorba had a passion for the moment!"
"Begin the way Zorba would, by smelling the fruit. Even the skin of a tangerine is fragrant! Notice the little lunar bumps and valleys. This is the way your skin looks to a flea!"
Don't just peel the tangerine...violate it! Risk going to jail over it! Be Zorba the Greek! Rip that little sucker apart!
"Oops! I forgot about the strings! Isn't life always like that? Just when you're having fun you discover the strings!"
"Well, there's nothing for it but to let the strings fall willy-nilly to the ground. Don't be a dweeb and put them in the wastebasket. Zorba rips his fruit and doesn't worry about the consequences!"
"Now lovingly apply the fruit to the tongue. Tomorrow everybody on the net will have photoshopped a penis into this picture, but I include it anyway, because I like the angle."
"Ooooh! Feel the flavor burst out of the little flavor sacks! That's the taste of liquid sunshine!"
"Feel the citric acid burn your mouth!"
"Man! That's good!"
"Huh....?"
"OK, there's seeds! No big deal!"
"Yummy!"
"OK, there's even more seeds. Actually they never end. Every tangerine has more seeds than the total volume of the fruit. It's a mystery. Don't try to understand it."
"What would Zorba do with the seeds?"
"Now, you may have noticed that by this time your fingers have gotten pretty sticky."
"Zorba would have just wiped his hands on somebody's sleeve, but I have a six month-old restaurant towelette, so I think I'll use that."
"Rip it open with gusto...."
"...and marvel at how they manage to compress a whole wet towel into a small space like that."
"Smell the exotic perfume. How many camels in how many caravans were necessary to bring this precious scent to the West?"
"Now wipe the fingers, taking care not to miss a single spot." 
"Amazing! It's just a little Beatrix Potter-size towel but it gets the job done."
"Well, that's it! Join us next week when we eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich Michael Eisner-style." 
11 comments:
Whoa!I needed those laughs really bad. We (Dallas, TX) just had eighty mile an hour straight line winds and I was outside in lightning and blinding rain saving the HVAC from insane copper thieves. Can you believe that? It's like trying to steal the anchor while the Lusitania is sinking. The unit turned off during a power blip and I had to go outside to reboot that sucker and discovered two stumbling bums with clippers about to cut the lock on the HVAC . "I'VE GOT A GUN AND I'M GONNA' BLOW YOUR BALLS INTO YOUR BRAINS!", I screamed and fortunately a huge clap of thunder like a double-gauge rifle shot went off and scared those idiots off like two comic villains in a silent two-reeler.
Anyway, those photos are just too funny to believe. I was eating an orange while reading it, so that probably helped make the story funnier somehow, like I was a hausfrau following instruction from a cooking show. Yeah, I definitely needed the laughs. I can imagine this as a video slideshow post with apropos music on YouTube. That's the taste of liquid sunshine! photo is my fave.
Hey eddie! how are ya. these latest posts are so fun....I'd love to see you wearing all different fashions, sometime!
Genius! A pictoral display worthy of Ernie Kovacs!
That Zorba really knew how to eat.
Now that's acting!
We need that in cartoons!
I'll have my P&B ready for your next lesson.
Last: Holy Cow! You have a hazardous job! Sounds interesting, though!
Marlo: I just went to your blog AND IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!! I find it shocking that you're not rich yet! You need to get your work into print!!
Can you show me how to eat an avacodo like Winston Churchill? If you do, I'll show you how to eat your words like George Dubya.
- trevor.
Goddammit, why aren't you on TV??
That was fantastic!
Do you even draw anymore? Because your slides are so effective!
Everybody: I've been trying for years to get one eye to operate differently than the other, because it's funny, and it looks like I've succeeded, maybe too well. Now I have fears that I won't be able to control it. Nothing like that has happened yet, but you never know.
I used to wonder if people who had that ability had gekko vision. How would the brain interpret information like that? Now I know. When I do that my vision is blurred. Is that how Marty Feldman saw things?
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