No wonder so many thinking people read Uncle Eddie's Theory Corner... where else could you find a sure-fire method to get free meals for life? OK, here it is...
From the hardware store buy a yard or so of transparent rubberized tubing (not pictured), the kind you wrap around naked wires for insulation. It only costs a couple of bucks. Run the tube down the inside of a long-sleeve shirt till one end peaks out from the cuff and the other end discretely peeks out of your open shirt collar. Now you have all you need to suck up the drink of the person beside you without being noticed. "OK," you say, "that gets me a drink but how do I get a meal?" Read on!
The meal comes to you courtesy of Extend A Fork (shown extended above), which is available from any fun shop. You probably saw them the last time you made a rubber chicken run and just never noticed them. It's a normal-size fork that telescopes out like a car aerial. You simply divert the attention of the meal sharer and feast!
The obvious question to ask is why, if the technique is so fool-proof, do I not take advantage of this meal-sharing technique today? The answer has to do with a tragic story regarding Mike Fontanelli. We were at a restaurant near Warners and I had my hidden straw in his tomato juice. Every time he took a sip of his juice he would return the glass to the same spot next to my "wired" arm. All was going well till he randomly put the glass down on the other side of his tray where I couldn't reach it.
I asked him why he put his juice down on that side and he gave me a strange look and said, "What do you care where I put my juice down?" I answered, "Me? Me!? Hey, I don't care! You can put your drink down anywhere you want! I'm just inquiring about the reason." Well, we bickered like this for a while and I didn't notice that a siphon effect was still operating and the tomato juice still in the tube was gushing out all over my white shirt. Eventually Mike saw the red stain on my chest and freaked out. He thought I'd been stabbed! He behaved nobly in my defense till he saw the fleks of tomato around the stain and did a double-take. You can guess the rest. Mike now always sets his drink down on the far side and has a wary eye out for the extending fork. Not only that but he warned everybody else. Alas! The well has run dry!