Wednesday, November 08, 2006

HOW TO COMMIT THE PERFECT CRIME

I hope only people of good character are reading this because I'm going to spill the beans about how a perfect murder might be committed. I call it perfect because in this scheme the law itself is the guarantor of the murder's freedom. It goes like this...

A man who we'll call Fred wants to kill his friend Joe. In order to do this he enlists the help of another man who looks just like Fred. The two look-alike Freds, wearing identical clothes, arrange to to be in public places at opposite sides of town at, say, noon the following day. It would help if the public places happen to have a large clock which displays the time.


At the appointed time each of the Freds, in opposite sides of town, loudly declares that he is Fred (using Fred's entire real name) and the real Fred shoots his victim, which I forgot to say was skillfully maneuvered to also be at the right place at the right time. The other Fred deliberately breaks a store window. Both the Freds make their getaway. Passer-bys will tell police that that they saw a man named Fred, who dressed in such-and-such a way, and will site the time, which was on a big clock. Can you see where this is leading?

Neither of the Freds can be tried for murder because each can prove he was somewhere else at the time. The police know that one of them did it but can prosecute neither since both Freds have an air-tight alibi! The murderer must be turned loose!

OK, that's my perfect crime! What's yours?

34 comments:

Mad Taylor said...

It could be so perfect if only you ignore the sounds of a beating heart you believe are coming from under the floor boards.

Anonymous said...

My perfect crime is spraying common, yet eventually fatal diseases on toilet paper rolls in public restrooms.


www.daecha.com

R said...

"chriss Cross"

Say, have you ever seen The Big Clock? cool movie.

Amid said...

Roald Dahl's Lamb to the Slaughter - murder is always best when followed by a yummy meal: http://www.classicshorts.com/stories/lamb.html

Phil Walton said...

I don't know why you would think I would already have a perfect murder planned out... but here goes.
Find a gullible person whom you care very little about (lets call him Fred) and watch the entire catalogue of George A. Romero films with him. Then ask Fred to return your fully loaded shotgun you borrowed to the victim (JOE)'s house, where you have already used hollywood makeup effects to make the sleeping Joe look like a zombie. Joe answers door. Fred does the work. Meanwhile you are somewhere in a public place establishing your alibi. It's the classic "Confused Friend/Fake Zombie" trick.

Anonymous said...

Too complicated, including the fact that you gotta get other people (i.e. potential blackmailers) involved.
As much as Hitchcock doesn't want you think so, simplicity is the key to murder.
The perfect murder is hit and run. Lots and lots of pedestrians are killed in traffic every year. Even when they do catch the driver, or even if the driver sticks around, they are hardly ever prosecuted.
No muss, no fuss. Plus if you're lucky you could get a new car outta the deal.
-Randall the Morbid

Craig D said...

Once, I ripped off a gumball by sticking a penny in a gumball machine's coin slot.

I couldn't live with myself afterwards, though.

I guess what I'm saying is that crime truly does not pay...

Steve Schnier said...

I'm gonna plead The Fifth...

Oh wait - we don't have the Fifth Amendment in Canada. In that case, I'm keeping my big trap shut!

Anonymous said...

The perfect crime is small.

When I was a young child of about 8 or 9, my mother would take me and my brothers shopping with her.

We'd get bored and wander the store and play with clothes.

In those days, they'd keep pins in everything. To keep the folds looking nice or something. I never found out the real reason. Maybe it was to enterain dumb kids like us.

We'd remove those pins and place them in the crotch and butt of all the pants and shorts we could find.

My brother got this genius idea to place lots of pins in the crotch and butt of one pant. We must have put like 20 or 30 of those prickly suckers really close together. It was a spike strip. If one fell out, there was still an army left.

I don't know if anyone ever got hurt. But now, no store keeps those pins.

We still laugh thinking about it.

Kali Fontecchio said...

This is kind of scary Eddie!

Kali Fontecchio said...

Well, I thought about it, and I remembered a certain incident with this girl I knew in high school. I saw her steal several times, and the secret is....being a hot girl! She would walk up to a cashier (male) talk to them and openly steal something in front of them. They never stopped her!

John A said...

I shouldn't tell you this, but I carry around a giant sharpened icicle, which can be used to plunge into the throats of unsuspecting victims, after which I slip away undetected, confident that the murder weapon will melt before the body is found, and with it any traces of my fingerprints.The only thing that may arrouse suspicion is the constant hum of the refrigerator unit I carry around in the linig of my trenchcoat. (Also, when I open my coat, a light comes on.)

katzenjammer studios said...

the perfect crime? looking that good in that plaid bowtie you got, eddie.

Anonymous said...

What about DNA?.. don't you guys watch C.S.I?? :)

Anonymous said...

There is no real perfect way to kill someone. There are many variables that go into play. One, the motif to kill, Joe. What did Joe do to make you want to kill him? Two, Is the other Fred reliable? Something might happen to keep him from getting to the place he needed to be on time. The other Fred might use the money you paid him to get a score of some kind of illegal drug and not show up at all. If The other Fred you hired to do the job was just a guy that you got off the street, he might demand more money to keep his mouth shut. In that case, you would sooner or later kill him too. The best way to commit the perfect murder is to...(oh, sorry it's lock down time the guard is telling me to go to my cell. Talk to you later!) ;)

Anonymous said...

Get with John to do a Tex Avery style Cartoon called "How to kill Someone. by Mr. Horse" I'm sure it would be a classic.

cartooncrank said...

Hmmmm....

1. You have a very detailed, thought-out "theoretical model" of how to commit the perfect murder based on use a dopple-ganger posted here.

2. The murderer in your story if named "Fred" which rhymes with "Ed."

3. A few months ago you posted a story about how you almost got a role in the movie version of "The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas." A major part of that story is how you ended up at a casting call with a room full of Eddie Fitzgerald look-alikes!

4. Losing out on the part so warped your mind that you came up with an elaborate murder plot based on the fact that you could call central casting and get a perfect twin to assist in your nefarious scheme!

Your post is practically a public confession... a cry for help!

Hmmm... If I were Dom DeLuise, I'd sleep with one eye open.

Jorge Garrido said...

>Well, I thought about it, and I remembered a certain incident with this girl I knew in high school. I saw her steal several times, and the secret is....being a hot girl! She would walk up to a cashier (male) talk to them and openly steal something in front of them. They never stopped her!

Don't lie, Kali, we all know you could and did get away with it.

Anonymous said...

Yeah, Eddie. DNA scotches your evil twin sealed alibi except of course, he actuallly is an evil identical twin, and the DNA would be the same.

Folks jump on DNA as the evidence that cannot be squelched a bit too often. There was even the rumor that OJ's son killed OJ's wife, and the DNA evidence would have been similar enough, their being blood relation there.

If your uncle were your dad, instead of your dad, they, both having your grandparents DNA, might be proved to be your dad, in a paternity case, if the proper comparisons showing difference were not available.

Anonymous said...

Court could bust both Freds with the crime. Both Freds were conspiring to murder, with one actually committing the crime, so both are going to be brought into custody. If one was ever tagged as the actual murderer, the second Fred would be an accessory. Either way, they were both obviously involved, the second/fake Fred would want to plea-bargain with the prosecutors to save his own butt, and the real Fred goes to jail for life. NOT perfect, Eddie.
~sal.

Eddie Fitzgerald said...

Anonymous: Hmmmm....you're right. At the very least they're both demonstrably guilty of conspiracy to commit murder. Doggone it!

Anonymous said...

But the perfect crime leaves no witnesses or accomplices, so there's a hole in this boat right there.

Unless they were two Freds who were MARRIED- that way one couldn't testify against the other! PERFECT!

OR: Siamese twins who were also married! That's not as realistic, though, admittedly.

Anonymous said...

Rules Of MURDER! ;-)

1. Always wear two pairs of surgical gloves. This Preventing Finger Prints and wear two or more in-case you rub them and they break, make sure you check before you leave the scene if you have any breakages and if you do use one of the tools you have with you to collect the evidence.
2. Use thick hair gel to prevent hair from falling on crime scene. Preventing DNA
3. Wear a hair net with gladwrap underneath the net on your hair to prevent gel transferring to other materials such as a cap u may accidentally have to leave somewhere with your DNA.
4. Buy some cheap sunglasses when you are out of town at least 3 months before the incident. Some sunglasses that you would not normally wear and don’t wear them before or after the incident.
5. Buy some black well worn sneakers from an Op shop and use thick gaffe tape (making sure you have no finger prints on the gaffe tape, and the tape is from a flea market making it almost impossible to trace bake to you) Make sure the shoes are not your actual size, perhaps larger and fill the toes with some of the tape or newspaper to prevent sliding. Ruffle the gaffe tape under the soles of the shoe to cause a poor foot print and if you are running/walking on dirt or soft ground make sure you shift your weight around so you don’t give them a hint as to how tall or how heavy or how large your shoes size is.
6. Wear a strong leather belt, this can carry things also if you get stabbed you can hold back the blood supply to your limb(s).
7. Do NOT wear any fabric like wool or loose fire material as it will leave small pieces of evidence that can be traceable.
8. When you are in the OP shop looking for the cloths make sure you get a jumper that somebody just tried on that looks nothing like your build, from this you can collect some of there hair (DNA) and some loose fibres from other fabrics that you would never were to plant at the scene. This will lead the investigators on a wild goose chase of clue that lead nowhere.
9. Bring with you some antiseptic wipes to remove oil, blood and if you get picked up it’s not out of place to carry wipes to clean your hands.
10. You will need to stash some acid in a glass jar near the scene so that you can grab it on your way out and put your wipes, gloves in to be disposed of. (Make sure you use a wipe to clean the jar itself) the jar can stay there even if they find it the wipes and the plastic gloves will melt together and bubble up a storm destroying anything useful to them.)
11. Wear two t-shirts both black, one inside out and the other the right way. This mean that if you get blood spilt on the shirt you can quickly take of the shirts and swap the around and even go to McDonalds afterwards, what a rush that would be!
12. Wear Black thick strong fabric pants like King Gee brand, these fabrics don’t leave loose fibres you can knee somebody in the head and have there blood stain you and it’s not very visible on the black cargos. You need to wear another pair underneath, perhaps shorts so that you can get changed as soon as possible.
13. Carry a strong backpack but one that you can simple leave somewhere with your old cloths in from the scene and preferably around the time the domestic bins are emptied so that it ends up in a resident’s front bin and the evidence is in the truck on its way to mystery Ville within the hour.
14. You will require cable ties and an old pair of socks from an op shop to stuff in its mouth and then cable tie it on and also the other sock to go over the eyes and cable tie on. (Both these items in a bag are also none suspected if you get picked up before hand).
15. You need to tie the hands together and them to the feet also together all cable tied, this means it would be impossible to escape from, silent and it cannot see you.
16. As you have prepared the human you can then de-robe it perhaps with a sharp knife slicing the top off to revel the fresh young flesh ready for your enjoyment.
17. You would have thought up a nice design to slice and burn into the flesh and then break that design down into pieces so that the police have small pieces to work with but no actual evidence to connect them together, yet.
18. Make sure the place is immaculate and leave something to join the cases together, Place the geometry of the objects in the room that will not become a pattern until at least the 4th or 5th scene.
19. Steal a car and when done torch it out front of an auto wreckers, one with a crusher. Don’t forget to use portable ox torch to remove the VIN/Chassis Number. Get the car from a country or remote place from your destination so that the person owning it will not report it for awhile as apposed to a inner city location because the car will be searched for very rapidly.
20. Park your actual car about 4kms away from a country area and start a fire and burn your fake clothes from the scene there to lead the police in another direction. (Let it burn you want it found). Get out of there fast; go through the bush back to your car so that you are sure that no one can see you.
21. Wear finger condoms (used to hold on bandages) for each finger under your latex gloves.
22. Burn the body in a large barrel and then pour hydrochloric acid over the ashes to removal all evidence.
23. Make sure you either remove all or at least smash the dental records.
24. Ask the person if they have any artificial parts such as a pass-maker or alike that would be useable to trace them even after they are burnt and dunked in acid.
25. If possible disperse the barrel over many areas such as public drains in parks and shopping centre toilets as to leave no traces. Remember if there is no body and no evidence it never took place!
26. Carry some armour all to remove prints from metals and plastics etc.
27. Retrace ever step you took into and out of the house, never touch walls or hand railings, buttons in the elevator carry a pen with you.
28. Record the news and the TV programs on at the time you commit the scene so you have another alibi up your sleeve.
29. If your computer savvy why not try and get the computer to bid on eBay in your absence, yet another alibi.
30. Chop the body up into little pieces and bury or burn the separate paper bags full in different locations.

With more time I could think of more, perhaps I should be a writer. I have other version of this but to be honest it gives me a rush to think about it... Please help...

Anonymous said...

I know this is about 2 years too late, but what the hay.

Here's the perfect murder: You'll need a body double that you can trust. Give the double your wallet and car, and have them go run your errands making sure they use a credit card for most purchases and try to make an impression on the cashiers, tellers, etc. Now you have an alibi and multiple possible witnesses plus a money trail to back it up.

While the double is doing your errands, you're whacking your victim far enough away from your double that it's not reasonable to assume you drove to the crime scene in between errands.

Now, possible disadvantages: If the double doesn't know about your plan, he'll go to the cops as soon as he hears you're a suspect (it's not rational to do so, because he would be charged too, but people aren't always rational in that kind of state). If the double is in on the plot, he could feel guilty and take you down with him.

Advantages: Your target is eliminated. The double would be charged with conspiracy or murder, thus reducing the risk of him turning you in.

Anonymous said...

Ah, the land of the free!
You have the right to free speech as long as you speak English.
--

Anonymous said...

hey, why dont YOU do the errands and send body double to murder? Then have the bodsy double ditch the country. Then, there is one story. If there is more than one person, no matter how well you rehearse the story, somehow it will change.

Anonymous said...

Most of this is unnessary. As long as you do not have a criminal record, you could walk into somebody's house, stab them with a knife, leave the body and walk out. Even if your DNA is there they can't figure out it is yours. And the knife could just be throw out your window of your car when you're on highway at night. Wait, not a highway, they have cameras. Just keep it taped underneath your car and throw it away whenever you can.

Anonymous said...

As I read the first one I laughed as I scrolled down I laughed even harder bunch of rookies... Yea the 2 people look alike can work cause i have seen it happen with twins.. For best luck have no have association with the victim for a good few months... If it's about money and anything personal u might want to think about hiring someone. Police start investigation with asking friends and family do you know anyone that would want to do this.. Last of all and most important get rid of the body ,rivers work but not the best Best way is to mutilate his body and bury it in total different places .. Remember they can "try" you with out a body of the victim

Anonymous said...

Anonymous...While you were talking about the DNA think with twins,uncles etc. confusing things it reminded me of something I once read..."If your Aunt had balls,...She'd be your Uncle "!

Anonymous said...

The most perfect murder is an accident. The police will think it's an accident and the most important part if you are smart it won't be traced to you well since it's an acciden I think there won't be any investigation so you walk free.

Anonymous said...

i broke my subject's neck and then placed the body in passenger front seat with seat-belt on and seat slighy tilted tp be seen before I drove to my desired crash point in-which I have studied for several months;;;studying the possible points of impact and the safest ppint fot my minimal bumps and cuts..As you near you area;;unlock the subject's belt and make yours secure...Excute your plan by swirving to appear a driving problem or you swirved to miss something.....the perfect homocide...retired investigator........

Anonymous said...

print retired investigator's comments. He's good because he was not always a Cop and he did this actuall event before wearing the badge

Anonymous said...

that was carried out a few years ago and I'm living welll with the insurence and cashed out trust funds.. No I do not feel guilty nor do I have night-mares...subject's death was a Mercy kill.....It has been three years in Florida and I feel like fine.. Dead don't talk;;;study your act before you do it;;;you can get away with it..I Did i Florida.........retired investigator.........

Anonymous said...

i'm leaving my beach resort in south Florida and heading back to my farm at the Florida/Georgia line...my farm would have been the first place the F D L E would have look if i made it appeared like subject was lost. If you fo the perfect crimr;;.... remember....trace evidence ...DNA...technology can be beaten by common sence and a desire to succeed...I Did...no more comments.. but had to let y'all know I beat the law.. good by... retired investigator..........